Retired Useless Pages

Home for Retired Useless Pages

image of an old man looking at a magazine thorough a magnifying glass

Things have gotten so big here in the Land of Retired Useless Pages that we split it up into three sections so you won’t be overwhelmed in a tidal wave of uselessness. Since then, other sections have been added, but since I’m too lazy to update this message every time I add a new section, I’ll just say “An unspecified number greater than one sections have been added since then”.

The sections:

  • Paul’s Original Useless Pages
  • Steve’s first 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s second 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s third 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s fourth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s fifth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s sixth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s seventh 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s eighth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s ninth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s tenth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s eleventh 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s twelfth 100 retired pages
  • Steve’s last handful of Useless Pages
  • John’s First Chunk of Retired Pages
  • John’s Second Chunk of Retired Pages
  • Retired useless food pages
  • Retired wacko pages

Oh, God! When will it end?!?

Paul’s retired Useless WWW Pages

These are pages that once stood proudly among the useless, but have faithfully served their time and moved on to their golden web years. Some of these may be broken, I’m not maintaining this page. I’m not even alphabetizing it.

  • Chair trivia and history
  • Class lists from: Kristin and Jed (including AP credits! Yippee.)
  • Dan’s Dream Journal
  • Darren’s list of who is on which X-terminal
  • David’s PriceCostco card
  • Edward’s Scratch-n-Sniff Theater
  • How many days ’til Christmas? (You have a hell of a wait)
  • Jordan’s pictures of himself in the womb (page built by someone other than Jordan, presumably)
  • Junko’s shoes (includes vital mailing list info)
  • NetCyberVirtualWebMarket, Inc. presents Kachkéis Service
  • Puking!!!! (I left off a few exclamation points)
  • The Silly Zone (Chock full o’ uselessness! If you like the Useless pages, you’ll love this)
  • Stephen’s randomly generated words
  • Stephen morphs Cindy Crawford into Claudia Schiffer (Semi-automatically, since fully automatic morphs have been banned by the State)
  • Tabatha’s dozens of very fast and small MPEG videos of herself doing something
  • Talk to Michael’s cat
  • Zygo’s list of list of every WWW object he has ever referenced (over 1.5M plus hundreds of inline images) and his equally cool page of URLs that don’t exist (updated hourly AND reverse sorted!)
  • Aaron’s Date Calcs page (in his own defense: “I’ve always been obsessed with prime factorization.” Great defense, Aaron. You’re acquitted.) Aaron also has a Band Name server.
  • Anonymous message server
  • Cyrano’s Valentine Server
  • IBM PC DOS 1.10 (Soon to be re-released as a Windows 3.1 upgrade)
  • Jeremiah presents Villa of the day (this is — get this — his buddies and his diary from the late 1980s. Each day you can see that day’s entry. From the 80s. Most of us want to *forget* the 80s. For one thing, there was no WWW to put useless information on.)
  • The Sheath File (Over 150 synonyms for condom. I’m sure it’s easy to work some of these into the conversation: “John Thomas overcoat”, anyone?)
  • Singapore Air Dates for Babylon 5 (What did those first two Ws stand for again?)
  • Steven’s page that generates a weird bunch of info based on today’s date (I’m always wondering what the Mayan calendar says)
  • Scott explains how to keep an idiot busy for hours (it works)
  • Tic Tac Toe (a minute to learn, a minute to master)
  • 168 anagrams for World Wide Web (Kind enough to include the identity anagrams “world wide web” and “worldwide web”. Coming soon: 500 anagrams for WWW!)
  • Alex’s head bone page (The TCP’s connected to the, IP, the IP’s connected…)
  • Alliterative Religious Euphemisms for Male Masturbation (Baste the Baptist, Choke the Cherub, and more!)
  • Anne’s shrine to butts (perhaps it’s time to bring Cynsa and Anne together)
  • Astroboy’s Yo-Yo Status Server
  • Blue Dog Can Count! (Dog does math and barks the result. Novel. Cute. Pointless.)
  • Cool Word of the Day (As if a dictionary couldn’t duplicate this! Apparently intricate enough to require *three* maintainers) and the less taxing to maintain A Word A Day
  • Dan’s LEGO collection (includes great commentary on its uselessness)
  • Erik’s crazy Dutch number-plates (humans find fascination in the ODDEST places)
  • EUROPa (Claims to mean “Expanding Unidirectional Ring Of Pages”, but I’m inclined to agree with Robin Stephenson who offers “Entirely Useless Ring Of Pages”.)
  • Fascinating Stuff on the web, as presented by Jim Kingdon. (This page is genius. I only wish I had thought of it first.)
  • Frequency distribution of Netcom’s talk.* news spool (there must be a secret message in there somewhere. Mayhap it’s “talk.* is a seething cauldron of pointlessness”)
  • GoogolPlex (this page makes me think of those people that use 8192 bit PGP keys)
  • Jason’s desk inventory (subject to change without notice, he says. Har! I should hope so. I would love to see the notice on comp.infosystems.www.announce. “I’m changing what’s in my desk drawer today.” Great. Thanks, Jason.)
  • Jim’s Access Page (pure genius. The essence of the web.)
  • Macintosh models that a microcomputer store does NOT sell (amazing! This page is in all seriousness titled “Pictures of Interest”)
  • The National Texture Administration (why does this make me laugh every time I visit? You tell me)
  • Pete’s beard research (a postively electric fashion statement)
  • Richard presents the Puppy in my Pocket Page (just what the world has been crying for — a WWW page devoted entirely to small plastic models of dogs)
  • Robert has a really colorful alphabet (Robert tells us he is a “synaesthetic”, which means that for him, letters have colors. In my relatively sheltered life I have not encountered this condition before, so the web has made me a more traveled person! Insert info-highway metaphor here.)
  • Saint of the Day (Just in case you think the fill-in-the-blank-of-the-day phenomenon hasn’t gotten out of hand yet)
  • Stephen’s links of very little interest to almost everybody (he gives them too much credit)
  • Stark’s Museum of Vacuum Cleaners (You know what they say, “nature abhors a vacuum.” This page proves it in spades)
  • Tyler’s ex-girlfriends (Can’t get a date? Call Tyler! Looks like he’s over the limit)
  • Words whose letters are in alphabetical order (I made a sentence out of some! “My beefy bellow floors a deity.” Who says this stuff is useless?)(Yes, it’s just what it sounds like.)
  • 1000 by 2000 (Sort of a poor man’s version of Final Exit)
  • Architext’s MarketText
  • Bad Jokes (you don’t know how bad until you see this)
  • B1FF!!!!11 presents: K3WL W3B PAG3!!!!11 (thanks to Clay Shirky for letting B1FF express himself)
  • Dutch traffic signs (and their meanings, for the rebus imparied)
  • Endangered, Special, or Fun Words (A sampling: buttload, lozenge, swell)
  • Facts about A.C.’s body
  • Ferret-Free Zones (that is, places where ferrets are illegal. Yes, I KNOW this isn’t useless to everyone, especially ferret owners that wish to stay out of the Big House.)
  • Fish and whale regurgitation (always a great topic for dinner conversation, or just anytime!)
  • Help choose Ken’s hairstyle (“My hair is in your hands,” he says. Aaaagh! Pass me the hydrochloric acid!)
  • Kitiara’s I’m Upset with Greck Page (Hell hath no fury like a webhead scorned)
  • Mike’s haul on the magic auction (a realtime report totalling the bids from an auction of a bunch of magic cards. Tally when I looked: $779.75)
  • Obscure Books, Movies, and T.V. Shows About Dingos
  • Recipes for zebrafish (yes, recipes FOR zebrafish, not from them)
  • The Squashed Bug Zoo (the creator has a photo of himself with some sort of SO on his home page. I wonder if she knows about his bug fixation?)
  • Things Michel likes to consume (he doesn’t overtly list “your time” but we know anyway)
  • Temperature plot for the last five days in Potsdam, NY (an obvious requirement for any prepared websurfer)
  • University of Stirling Home Page — in Gaelic (coming soon, versions in Bushman and Sumerian)
  • 50 Years of Band-Aid (Kevin Savetz has done it again)
  • Condom Country’s Penis Length Chart (look at the URL — that’s the author’s attempt to subliminally associate the number with his penis length)
  • Deceased Porn Stars (I idly wonder if clever porn movie titles like “On Golden Blonde” decorate any of their gravestones)
  • What JISAO might stand for (my own nomination: Jesus, It’s Silly And Oh-So-Useless)
  • Kris’s annoy Jay page (leveraging the web for a higher purpose)
  • Mr. Matt’s Giant Rat
  • The Old Fart’s Home Page (The http working group will soon be extending the protocol to include smells)
  • Pat and Dave’s Super Tecmo Page
  • Really Big Button That Doesn’t Do Anything. Call this a hunch, but I think this one was made to be useless on purpose!
  • The Slipper of the Future (has its own server, MIT must have money to burn)
  • Steve’s ant farm (Perhaps this should go on the pets page? Do ants qualify? Categorization is such a tough job)
  • Vince’s opinions of various Prince songs
  • The Wile E. Coyote Question (analyzing the most important cultural icon of our time)
  • The Worldwide Institute for the Preservation of Everything
  • The Homonym Page (The controversy is intense! See The Uselessness of Homonymophone Debates for details)

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

  • The Alpaca Page I’m dubious about this one. Apparently, you send one alpaca to the person at the top of the list, and in two weeks you have a herd of 50,000 Alpaca…
  • Blah! Blah!
  • A bunch of useless lists OK, Peter, you finally made it! I expect that payment we talked about to be in cashier’s check
  • Chia Pets! It kind of grows on you…
  • Color of the day I thought I’d be tickled pink to announce this one, but I’m green with envy ’cause Mirsky scooped this one first, leaving me feeling blue. So I added some black humor so you wouldn’t think I was practicing yellow journalism.
  • Countdown to Christmas I’m trying to keep all the “been there, done that” pages off, but I’m adding this one ’cause it also has the days (and seconds!) left until Orlagh’s birthday.
  • Cow Tipping I’m not sure Gary Larson would approve
  • The Dada Fortune Generator
  • The Dogcow Page I had erroneously wrote earlier that the dogcow was the mascot of developers for the Commodore 64, but several people emailed me correcting that bit of info. The dogcow is really the mascot of developers of the Timex Sinclair. We apologize for the error.
  • The Factorial Page For the non-mathematical out there, “10!” means “Ten factorial”, not someone yelling the name of their favorite Pearl Jam album.
  • Kyle’s Photo IDs Not including the one of him hanging in the Post Office.
  • A map of the Ceramics Building Who said Virtual Reality wasn’t as stupid as real reality?
  • The Page that Reviews Itself Good, now I don’t have to.
  • The Pentium Tester I’m not gonna say it, I’m not gonna say it…
  • Pictures of people who are not Ben And they should consider themselves to be lucky.
  • The Really Small Button that does Everything Just as Paul was hesitant to put the Really Big Button that does Everything on the list, I had my doubts about this one, but included it only because it has the WORST colon-dash-close parenthesis smiley I have EVER seen!
  • The See and Say Page I want a See-and-Say updated for the 90’s, for example, “The Gen-Xer goes, “I’m bored!”
  • The Snowglobe page Featuring the new Netscape enhancement where if you turn your monitor upside down and shake it, it will probably break.
  • Son of dots, dots, dots Stop him before he cut-n-pastes again!
  • The Spork Page Is it a spoon? Is it a fork? *I* *JUST* *DON’T* *KNOW*!
  • The The Page No relationship to the band “The The”
  • X, A Picture of One in a series of 26! Collect them and trade them with your friends!
  • Biff the Bear’s Potty Cam At last! The answer to the question: Do bears…?
  • Bill’s Colon I’m thankful I turned “Autoload Image” off before looking at this one.
  • Christopher’s Ex Girlfriends Sadly, this link has been changed. It’s still useless, however.
  • College Football Team Names Go, Banana Slugs!
  • Dave’s Mom and Dad I generally ignore these dime-a-dozen pages, but this one made me laugh out loud.
  • Every Book Leuliette has read since 1978 Obviously he’s not familiar with Paul’s ONE book list!
  • Everything Olle collects His largest collection, however, is of his own useless pages.
  • The F-4 Calculator In case you urgently need to know what 0 – 1 is.
  • Flea News For those itching for a useless page, you won’t be ticked off by this one. (No, scratch that last remark.)
  • The Flowchart Classic “Office Xerox Art” comes to the Web!
  • Jeffrey’s Credit Card Numbers Actually, unless he removed them by the time you read this, this is an extremely useful page!
  • The Magic Form Generator Quite literally, an example of backwards technology
  • Rat Vs. Snake The sad part about this is you KNOW Don King is behind all this.
  • Rep. Jim Morrison’s Page And you thought he was dead. The truth is much worse!
  • The Robot Store
  • S. M. Weems’ home page has it all, your one-stop Useless Center. It has a page devoted to the CD collection, of course, a pet puppy, car, computers, and as an added useless bonus, pool cue!
  • Stephen Hawking’s Favorite Pickup Lines The staff of the Useless Web Page do not condone everything we have links to, we only report ’em
  • The Useless Software Foundation No relationship to Microsoft. I think.
  • An Analog Clock Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
  • Barfbag collections of Mike and Steven
  • Carmen’s Screen Shots Do you think anyone will click on the screen shot labeled “Full Frontal Nudity”?
  • Dave’s Flatmates “Flat” is British for “apartment”. I’m just wondering if they have justifiable homicide in Britain.
  • How Much Space is on Dylan’s C Drive? Helpful hint: You can free up lots of space by going into your WINDOWS directory and typing DEL *.*
  • How to run the HTTP server Submitted by Colin Henein, who says “This is really ironic. Their webmaster can’t see this page without the server being up… but…”
  • Merle’s Email I wonder what this page would look like if everyone emailed him their .core files? Just kidding! Don’t do it!
  • The Paper Clip Page
  • Pictures of people sitting at their computers wearing sock puppets This was Dogbert’s idea, right?
  • Project G7 OK, you James Bond fans! If you like mystery, intrigue, and espionage, you’re sure to be bored to tears by this page!
  • The San Diego Wild Animal Park Submitted by Tom Kreitzberg, who said it best: “Note the absence of any information at all about the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The most we can infer is that it is not on Earth.”
  • The Sheep Page and Another Sheep Page Do androids dream of these pages?
  • Stuff in Glenn’s Room tastefully omitting the severed body parts under the bed.
  • Stupid Word of the Day
  • Table Hockey Tournament Results Soon to be an Olympic event
  • Towers of Hanoi A towering example of uselessness
  • Unknown acronyms Later TLAs TBA ASAP on this FUBAR page.
  • Useless Technology
  • Bill Bixby Memorial Haiku Contest Question: How come the Hulk always gets his shirt torn off, but his trousers always stay more-or-less intact?
  • Branson, Missouri Featuring the Lawrence Welke Show AND the Wayne Newton Theatre!
  • Dead People Server Some incorrect information is here. I know for a fact that the guy who played Eddie Haskell in “Leave it to Beaver” played Alice Cooper in those Life cereal commercials but then died in Viet Nam from eating too many Pop Rocks.
  • The Fabio Page Hear actual audio clips from the world’s most famous Male Bimbo talking about life, the universe, and everything.
  • The Internet Kissing Booth For the really, really, really desperate
  • Star Butt From the creator of The Butt Shrine. Talk about a one-track mind.
  • The Upcoming 1995 Kentucky Derby I think they’re waiting for the horse I bet on to come in before posting results.
  • A Burger King receipt Truth in advertising
  • The Great Toilet Paper War Toilet Paper War! Huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!
  • Hello Kitty Page Featuring her friends Kerokerokeroppi, Tuxedo Sam, and more.
  • The Information Supercollider It takes part of two or more already useless pages, and combines them into a new page which is twice as useless as either of the originals.
  • The Nipple-Cam I had my doubts about this one, but Greg emailed me and assured me it is indeed a fresh photo of his nipple taken daily. Now, even MORE useless, Greg brings you his Past Nipples.
  • Photos of currency from
  • “Grim” and Rudy Not entirely useless if you have a really good color laser printer.
  • The Smurf Page Before there was Barney, there were….The Smurfs!
  • T.V. Test Patterns. The only thing on TV arguably more boring than The Home Shopping Network
  • Wisdom of The Super Models Absorb the teachings of Zen Master Cindy Crawford.
  • What Morpheus Wants for his Birthday He wants a date with Neil of “The Young Ones”?
  • College Entrance Exam for Football Players In real life, I don’t think it’s this difficult.
  • Doug’s
  • Insulators
  • Interactive Haiku None about Bill Bixby are on this page, however.
  • Keyboard Nipple Survey
  • Mark’s Useless Page He calls it “The Most Useless Page on the Web”. He’s wrong; it’s not even in the top ten. Still, it IS pretty useless.
  • Proverbs It reads like someone’s college thesis, only duller.
  • What’s in Joe’s Pocket? The history of Middle-Earth would have been changed if only Bilbo Baggins had such a page.
  • -er jokes and, amazingly enough, another page of -er jokes Do-it-yourself pun pages
  • Archie Comics Page Why didn’t ANY of the kids in Riverdale have any siblings?
  • The Bald Jeff Page What is it with bald guys named Jeff?
  • Cyberkid’s Club What these people lack in Internet knowledge, they more than make up for in the constant use of three exclamation points!!!
  • Random Smiley something, I am proud to say, which will never, EVER appear on the Useless Pages page 🙂
  • Running Gin Rummy Score Next: Running “Go Fish” score
  • Santa Barbara BBS Nostalgia Page People with no lives reminiscing about when they had – no lives.
  • VAX instruction of the week If you’ve ever had to use VMS, this page will give you bad flashbacks.
  • A BIFF translator K0()L pAg3, d()()DZ!!!11!!!!1!!
  • The Booger Page My pick of the month.
  • British Cow Tipping Page Submitted by David Boreham himself, who says it is “far better than the original Swedish version.” Unfortunately, I have to agree.
  • The Dead Pool More fun than an office Superbowl pool!
  • Dirty pictures It’s timely! It’s topical! It’s useless!
  • The Elbow Page Mostly pictures taken from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.elbows
  • Give Ben Money This has been a public service announcement.

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part II: The Wrath of Uselessness

  • The Wrapped Internet You won’t get the joke if you think Cristo is a type of shortening.
  • The Bork-a-fier Thees is a seelly, useless pege-a.
  • Clive’s Guide to the London Underground I have seen a few Subway-related sites and decided they were too useful to put here. This one isn’t.
  • The Flippo Page “Flippo” is Dutch for “Pog”
  • George’s .sig files Someone report this guy to alt.fan.warlord.
  • IRC Semiconductors The biggest waste of time on The Internet now has its own chip?
  • The Mimes Home Page AAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!
  • The Nose Page Damn! I already used my “Pick of the month” joke…
  • Pickle Latin This has little to do with pickles and less to do with Latin and everything to do with a translator which doesn’t work.
  • The Cobol Page The world’s most useless computer language
  • The Four Page So, Pi isn’t good enough for you, eh?
  • Largest Known Primes Nerds LIVE for this kind of stuff!
  • Random Sentences Such as “Did you know that the chicken marengoes growl?”
  • The Sloth Page Ironically, there are no links to any U.S. Postal Service pages.
  • Stuff in Peter’s Pockets I guess lint is hard to scan.
  • Cluttering the Web This is the FIRST page from Prodigy here! (I fear it will not be the last…)
  • An Excuse Generator But there is NO excuse for this page!
  • Georgetown University Bookstore Funny comment one: “Boy, I can see they took the subtle approach in advertising!”
    Funny comment two: “Why do they call themself a bookstore when apparently they don’t appear to sell any books?”
  • Liquid Oxygen BBQ This was brought to our attention by alert newspaper columnist Dave Barry.
  • The Marlins Suck Page They lost to the CUBS?
  • Notre Dame DomeCam The only reason I put this page on is to challenge the folks at MIT to put something better up.
  • Terri’s Shoes Is this what they mean by getting pumped up?
  • Virtual Support Hotline Actually, this page is much more useful than a REAL support hotline.
  • Waifs vs. Lucy But I LIKE women who wear Doc Martens!
  • The Babe Test I failed. I always confuse Kathy Ireland with Kathy Bates.
  • Bodger and Grift Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead and rolling in their graves
  • The Counter Terrorist Do a good deed – access this page a few dozen times.
  • Cows Caught in The Web
  • The F Squared Club “Bent on World Domination” – they actually say that!
  • The Slipper Page If this keeps up, I’m going to have to make a “Uselessness of Footware” page
  • Click and Sniff To quote Jay Sherman, “It stinks!”
  • Crash Your Browser It really works!
  • Dwight has his VCR Clock hooked up to the Web.
  • Footcam De agony of de feet.
  • The Norwich Navigators The only thing they have in common with Netscape Navigator is they both use Mozilla as a mascot.
  • Random Research Topics If only this page was around when I was in High School…
  • The Vault of Horrors WARNING! Not for the faint-of-heart!
  • Authornet Submitted by Pete Butler, who says “Describes itself as “a venue for information about current literature and contact with the authors.” … It’s been a while since Shakespeare wrote any literature that could be considered current, and as far is getting in contact with Charles Dickens … I don’t want to know. I just don’t want to know.”
  • The Drunk Browsing Test I can only assume that Mirsky was really, really tanked when he did this.
  • The Greening Institute of E-Capitalism Lots of people are “selling” interesting things with E-Cash. This one isn’t. But please don’t tell him, because he’s my housemate and is using the money to pay rent.
  • A Guide to Public Toilets in
  • America and Australia Your rest stop on…..no, I can’t say it…
  • Interactive Mutating Cyberspace Can you say “Photoshop”?
  • Ode to The Letter M OK, we got “X” and “M” pages so far – two down, 24 to go.
  • The U2 Fan Club For fans of the plane, NOT the band!
  • Click on Anthony This is how I found the “Male Inadequacy Support Group” below
  • Devilbunnies FAQ Somehow, I don’t think the “FA” in FAQ means “frequently asked”.
  • Diary of Baby Bart Not even a month old and apparently already a slacker.
  • Kool-Aid Fun Page I have it here insread of the food page since it’s all games taken from Kool-aid packs, not fun WITH Kool-Aid itself.
  • Male Inadequacy Support Group Well, it’s useless to ME, anyway!
  • Mr. Potato Head’s Worst Nightmare Next to being called “Mr. Edible Starchy Tuber Head”
  • Plot Holes in “Batman Forever” Needless to say, this is a LONG document…
  • ASCII Cows This is what folks did for fun on the ‘net before there was the Web.
  • Atari Boise User’s Group Who the hell still uses an Atari? Who the hell lives in Boise?
  • Igpay Atinlay Agepay
  • Lab 28b Weird Science
  • Mood Detector I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us.
  • Mr. T Home Page I pity the fool who runs this page! Boy, after reading this, I’m sure glad my parents didn’t name ME “Wimp”!
  • Pun of the Week
  • Short Attention Span Page What?
  • The Sheep Game More fun than DOOM!
  • The Acorn Page From the tiny acorn springs forth the mighty joke.
  • C’thulhu for President Hey, he has MY vote!
  • Elevator and Escalator Safety Tips Our tip: Don’t eat a bean burrito shortly before getting on an elevator.
  • The Piercing Mildred Game Fun for the whole family…the Manson family.
  • Russian Roulette This page is a blast; you’ll get a bang out of it.
  • Scanner Oddities Soon appearing on alt.binaries.pictures.stupid
  • Where do the socks go? I saw Leonard Nimoy do a documentry about this once.
  • Zen Buddism FAQ That was Zen, this is Tao.
  • A 13-year old’s Reviews of Bars and Restaurants in Valencia, CA “Hey, Billy! Let’s go bar-hopping!” “OK, Jimmy, right after ‘The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers’ !”
  • Anal Retentive Contest Heh heh. He said “Anal”. Heh. Heh heh. *BLAM*
  • Banner, a Big Ugly ASCII Font maker. For an even bigger, uglier font, try upper case here.
  • The Britton Family One nuclear family can ruin your whole day.
  • BubbleWrap The most therapeutic page on The Web.
  • Home Electronics Shooting This guy is my hero – doing what most of us only DREAM about.
  • Fizzball Official sport of lagomorphs everywhere.
  • How to Talk Like Jason Boy, I bet HE’S fun at parties!
  • The Mabry Family No more or less useless than any other geneology page. But why is it so meticulously maintained by someone named Don Collins?
  • Magic Tricks on The Web They don’t work. I was thinking of the 3 of clubs.
  • Mood Ringo – The Mood of the Internet The only reason it gets the results it does is “horny” is not a choice.
  • The Reverand Spoonicci and Kyle Show Hard to believe – a TV show more useless than “Family Matters”!
  • Top Tips My top tip: rm * -r
  • The Wedding List Everyone’s putting their wedding albums on the Web, but no one is putting up their honeymoon photos!
  • Zits Page
  • The Alphabet Emporium Psst, kid! Do you wanna buy an “O”?
  • Project Orca Folks who took the phrase “Nuke the Whales” literally.
  • Rhododendron Page Aren’t those those weird dice geeks use to play D&D?
  • Zippy-a-fy a URL Yes, we are having fun.
  • Another exploding whale page With Quicktime movie!
  • Things that Piss Beau Off Oddly enough, he doesn’t list “Being named Beau”.

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part III: The Search for Uselessness

  • Barney the Dog T.V. Show. I bite you, you bite me…
  • Censored Deep Thoughts Submitted by the silly folks at Spinnwebe, who pointed out “She has censored out words like “damn” and “hell”, yet left quotes such as Jack considering what it’d be like to watch his girlfriend have sex with a carrot.”
  • Congressman Jerry Lewis HEY LAAAYYY-DEEEE!! Vote for MEEEEE!!
  • Dr. Katz, Cyber-Therapist That rarest of sightings – something actually funny from Comedy Central!
  • Jane Austen’s Grammar Violations Whoever set up this page thinks they are so clever…
  • Men’s Room Etiquette On a scale of one to 10 in uselessness, you’re an eight.
  • A Newbie learns HTML Still hasn’t mastered that “Blink” command yet, though.
  • Ralph Wiggum Fan Page I still think he’s the one who shot Mr. Burns!
  • Why I’m smarter than you If they’re so smart, why are they on AOL?
  • The Hair Guy A true-life mystery!
  • Kohai’s Lingo This guy could make Howard Stern blush!
  • Maya’s Butt Gallery As useless an art exhibit as any I’ve seen, plus it has no pictures of butts in it!
  • Rock, Paper, Scissors Putting this on the web is useless enough, but what drives it over the top is it has an option that lets you CHEAT!
  • Stupid Things Xero has Done He forgot “Pick a stupid nickname like ‘Xero'”!
  • A Virtual Tour of Bethesda, Maryland They could make a film about this place and call it “Dull and Duller”
  • World’s Longest Domain Name Contest Winner of the “Stupidest Contest” contest.
  • Kevin’s Refrigerator Magnets Yet another new, novel way to put rude words on a computer screen
  • Sea Monkey Page Next best thing to an object-oriented C++ Monkey
  • Temple of Tom One can not be more narcissistic without actually changing your name to an unpronouncable symbol
  • Useless Image Map Yet more truth in advertising
  • Virtual Break Choose-your-own-boredom
  • Weight of Jilles When it gets to 250, sell!
  • Wig Theory Poll Um, which one is him and which is his sister?
  • Abuse-a-tron Another self-reviewing page
  • BRADYMANIA! Other sites would be content just to give you the Brady Bunch Home Page, what with its Brady Screen Saver and all (I’m too scared to try it, so I don’t know what it does). But we at The Useless Pages Go that extra mile and also bring you the Brady Bunch MuseumAND The Encyclopedia Brady
  • Buttons, buttons, buttons! This was submitted about a month ago, but it took me this long to finish pressing all of them!
  • Coin Flipping Page I would make a joke about being a tosser here, but that would be flip.
  • The Daily Quote Oooh, ANOTHER scam of weasles offering something for money something you can get anywhere for free!
  • Decision Maker Recommended by Bill Clinton.
  • Friends of Nos If he only knew what coffee said about him behind his back.
  • The Heffer Survey Don’t have a cow!
  • Home Page Pregnancy Test After I looked at this page, I had a sudden craving for pickles and ice cream.
  • Infectious Disease Weekly OK, so this is not a useless site. But it DOES have a GREAT name!
  • Magazines David Reads Please don’t tell David, but he’s a complete and utter nerd.
  • Mason’s Collection of 404’s This link might be down.
  • My Dog ate the Internet Ah-HA! They’re RIGHT! The Internet HAS gone to the dogs!
  • Old Time Lumberjack Show Just TRY to look at this page without thinking of that old Monty Python routine. It can’t be done!
  • Reasons to Keep your Eggs in One Basket Don’t worry, I’m not going to make some yolk about having a shell account
  • Stress Management Tape for Kids I put it here because no one has a list of “Most depressing pages”
  • Traffic Lights on the Trans-Canada Highway Well, it’s either that or a bizarre fixation with ice hockey.
  • Web Darts Pointless, in several senses of the word.
  • WINd 95 The power to be your best?
  • Zit Hunt That would make a great name for a cop show.
  • Andy’s Wallet As a matter of fact, I DID notice there was no money mentioned.
  • The CHiPs Page About a half dozen folks nominated this site, so in it goes.
  • Cosmic Baseball Association Can you imagine Rene Descartes doing “Who’s on First”?
  • A Disney Vacation It’s not like watching someone else’s vacation slides – it *IS* watching someone else’s vacation slides!
  • Ego Booster It likes me! It really likes me!
  • Fred’s Page Fred is imaginary. On the other hand, so are all the characters in “Star Trek”, and there are HUNDREDS of pages about THEM!
  • Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Doctor’s journals have the coolest names!
  • Pages that Don’t Exist Sadly, I’ve actually seen most of these pages…
  • Random Lightbulb Joke
  • So You Want to Be a Doctor?
  • 10 Question Purity Test
  • AOL Kiddie Porn Page Me, too!
  • Bobaworld “Hey, Steve! Are you NUTS?” I can hear you yelling. “This page has won a slew of awards [As Bob is so fond of telling us in every other line of HTML code he writes]! How can you say it’s useless?” Well, I’ll let those wacky folks at Spinnwebe explain.
  • Dead Presidents Combining two of my favorite subjects: Obsessive-compulsive behavior and necrophilia
  • Drop Squad That picture of the burgers is NOT for the squeamish!
  • Free Sex! And a bargain at twice the price…
  • International Uselessness I’m not one to argue.
  • Misusage Statistics Yeah, I know this has been done before, but I want to encourage this kind of behavior.
  • Rick’s Swatch Collection how…eighties.
  • Roshambot PLAY the game! READ the FAQ! JOIN the cult!
  • What’s Stuck on my Head Today? Frankly, I’m more concerned about what’s IN your head…
  • World’s Largest Drum
  • A Year in the Life of a Nerd Obviously some strange usage of the word “life” which I was previously unaware of.
  • The Angst Game A loser every time!
  • The Christopher Lambert Fan Club Why DIDN’T he get an Oscar for “Highlander II”?!
  • Classes Eve has taken Rigid Body Dynamics? RIGID BODY DYNAMICS?!?!
  • David Lynch reviews soaps Not the director. Not as in soap operas. Although either of those would make the page even MORE useless!
  • Florida Lottery Loser Lotteries, to quote someone else, are a tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Happy Whale and Tiny Whale I think this was one of Herman Melville’s earlier works
  • How Not to Feed jcb I was going to put this on the food page, but then I realized, by the time you eliminate everything on the list, there’s no food left!
  • The Lipstick Page I think they’re making these colors up!
  • One Question Purity Test I’m 99 44/100 % pure!
  • Oxymorons Hey! They left off the most famous oxymoron of all – “Military Intelligence”!
  • The Page that Turns You into a Chicken Oh, if only it was a rooster, the rude puns I could make!
  • Virtual Jack-o-lantern In VRML! It’s odd… No matter what options you pick, it looks vaguely like Mark Pesce…
  • The Velcro Page The most popular page on my favorite newsgroup, alt.sex.fetish.velcro
  • Virtual Penis Rating Really, this would have made it even if it didn’t contain the word “penis”.
  • Another Barfbag Collection Pretty soon they’ll need their own sub-page…
  • Another Insulator Collection
  • The Bathroom Door Poll I think I need videotape evidence before I can answer.
  • The Belly Button Survey
  • The Burnout Page No, it’s NOT the David Bowie page.
  • Computer Poetry Useless in itself, but bonus points for the very odd survey at the end.
  • Find Your Sex If you need to ask, you probably can’t answer the key question!
  • Kickass Poetry Page Sort of a “Byron Meets Die Hard”
  • List of 10 Things I agree with the author – you shouldn’t make “Top 10” lists unless you’re the host of a national talk show making an 8-figure income. However, the alternative he presents isn’t much better.
  • Maya’s Toiletries From the creator of the Butt Gallery – how does she DO it?
  • Messages Heavenbound Ground control to Major Tomb (I stole that joke from Dave Barry)
  • Mike and Anthony’s Wired Room I wasn’t going to even add this to the list, but about a half dozen people nominated it in just one week (a record)! Equally useless is
  • Hanszen Room 191 .
  • Nothing
  • A Rhyme Generator

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part IV: The Voyage to Useless Homepages

  • The RPI Xmas Tree Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, your CGI scripts bore me.
  • Suzuki Sam Oooh, I can’t WAIT for “Suzuki Sam vs. Joe Isuzu!”
  • The World Famous Red Page Pretty soon, every page will be required by law to have a warning like this one.
  • Write to a Random Member of Congress. Have them play the Useless Game.
  • The 1994 Baseball Season Simulation They’re wrong. I think the Cubs would have won the world series.
  • Computer Workplace Oooh, now HERE are people I would trust to do computer work for ME!
  • Custom Persian Rugs I want a rug that looks like Conway’s Game of Life!
  • Find the Pope in the Porsche
  • Flammability of Household Products What the hell! Go ahead, kids, TRY it at home!
  • The Great Wallpaper Debate What about (shudder) paneling?
  • Jeff’s Flat Tire Page
  • Mind Reader Is this what they mean by “fuzzy logic”?
  • Ostrich/Emu Infonet Proving, once again, the Web is for the birds.
  • The Soundex Code Wow! I never knew there were any nerds at MIT!
  • Stuff Alf the Poet is Looking For Hey, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for! (That’s a Negativland reference)
  • Stupid Questions to Ask Pilots Is nice to know computer consultants don’t have a monopoly…
  • A Useless Page Ah, I see “The Spot” has a new URL.
  • What’s in Jeremy’s Wallet I can hardly wait to see what he does with his glove compartment.
  • The Winkie Gallery Mommy, they scare me…
  • Xkeycount Top List Place your bets!
  • All Things Blue Which pretty much somes up how I felt after looking at this page.
  • Bas van Fraassen’s Published Works I can hardly wait for the list of his UNPUBLISHED works!
  • The Beckman Institute Second Floor Toilet You can never be too rich or have too much toilet humor.
  • Blinking Binary Ooooh, this page is painful!
  • Bonus! Bonus!
  • Chew Magazine Yeah, I know, it’s useless on purpose – the domain name is a dead giveaway.
  • The Chomskybot To Noam is to Lovem.
  • The Committee to Re-elect Charles Donefer WARNING: Scary page. VERY scary page.
  • Domestic Duties I’m Neglecting I’m glad I’m not the only one with these problems.
  • Giant Hatpin Collection Is it a very large collection of hatpins, or a collection of hatpins that are very large? I don’t know!
  • Guess the Pixel It’s worth playing to the end just for the nude picture of Bea Arthur you get when you win.
  • The Idiot Confessional Do AOL users get a bulk discount?
  • Inspired Words William S. Burroughs, eat your heart out!
  • Jeff’s T-Shirt Collection EVERYBODY should have a page like THIS!
  • Name Jon’s Computer
  • Name the New Barbies Personally, I’m waiting for the Andrea Dworkin Barbie.
  • Pong Kombat Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.
  • Urban Decay Cyberpunk makeup tips!
  • When Calle Went to Bed You know the Internet is mainstream when there are people who use it who actually sleep.
  • Where’s the Nearest Wal-Mart? Sometimes it’s SO hard not just leaving a comment of “Who CARES?”
  • ^Gaber^uoko “Jabberwocky” translated into Esperanto – a concept so pointless, this is the first Gopher page to make The Useless Pages!
  • Car Talk Staff I used to date their Head of Computer Services, Dot Matrix
  • The Caverns of Carnac You’re in a twisty little maze of web pages, all alike.
  • Connecticut Technical Community College I know it’s not fair to pick on pages that are admittedly “under construction”, but in this case, I”ll make an exception.
  • Dick the Computer Consultant What is it about this page that makes me not want to hire him? Is it the fact he considers a page like this “World Wide Web Publishing”? Or that if he’s so experienced in Excel, why can’t he spell it? No, it’s that I would NOT trust a so-called consultant who uses AOL.
  • Golfing for Humanity Winner of the coveted “He Just Doesn’t Get It” award.
  • The Nicole Simpson/Ron Goldman Reward Fund Obvious OJ jokes aside, this page states that there is a huge reward to find the killer of Nicole Simpson. It also states you can send a contribution to the person running this page. However, it does NOT say there is ANY correlation between these two statements!
  • The Pentomino Page WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! Geek Alert! Geek Alert!
  • The Perfect Girlfriend Search Isn’t it nice to know that no matter HOW big a loser you are, there’s always someone who’s MORE of a loser? Except for, of course, the guy who made this page.
  • Social Security Number Origin Finder Mine is from Mars!
  • The Squid Dress-up Contest The REAL challenge is to dress up a squid so it DOESN’T look like Senator Exon.
  • Subliminal Message of the Week
  • Three Part Names OK, They finally have Charles Nelson Reilly. You can stop writing now.
  • Access Provider Disk Report Is there anyone on the planet who does NOT have a dozen AOL disks?
  • Adopt a Vegetarian Ha! As if a lifestyle endorsed by the likes of Albert Einstien or Leonardo Da Vinci could have any merit!
  • The Black Page They can’t fool me! It only LOOKS like a useless page!
  • Computers Made Simple A good example of why many computer trainers need training themselves.
  • The Farolito Page The only thing better than Arts and Crafts is STUPID Arts and Crafts
  • Geezers on Parade A very, very slow parade.
  • The Hello World Page OK, I admit, I’m a geek! I chuckled at this…
  • The Knight Rider Page Look at the gifs. I’m now using one as wallpaper.
  • Lair of the Anti-Martha If Martha Stewart is the epitome of usefulness, then this page…
  • Pee Wee’s Playhouse I know you are, but what am I?
  • The Physics Page But tell us how you REALLY feel…
  • Reasons to Love Microsoft The sad part is he’s serious!
  • Sea Monkeys Sea Monkeys are NOT primates! (That’s a Sam and Max quote)
  • Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Fortune Cookies It’s as if the gang at Mystery Science Theatre 3000 went to a Chinese Restaurant.
  • Strips Published in Viz I don’t understand this at all. He goes through all the trouble of listing everything in a publication that regularly prints comics like “Buster Gonads and his Unfeasibly Large Testicles” or “Jonny Fartpants”, and then he edits it “in interest of good taste.”
  • The Useless Page Not to be confused with The Useless Pages.
  • WebSmell Yeah, I’ve seen it before. But it still makes me giggle.
  • Web Virus This was submitted by an email who’s subject was “Good Times”
  • Analog and Paz I just got back from an early Valentine’s Day vacation with my fiancee, so my tolerance for romance is pretty high. Even taking that into account, this page STILL made me throw up.
  • Bryan’s Atari 2600 Cartridge Collection I wonder then they’re going to come out with a web browser for the 2600.
  • The Dispatcher Home Page Look at the descriptions of their products. Now do you see why they didn’t have them in the section labeled “Useful Links”?
  • Fermat’s Last Theory Poetry Page Unfortunately, I don’t have room on this page to make a comment.
  • Jeff’s Free Floppy Disks They just keep coming and coming and coming…
  • The Mailbox Page This is what people used to use a long time ago, before there was E-mail, kids!
  • Mr. T Ate My Balls It’s nice to know that jaded as I am, I can still run across pages that make me say “Oh my God!”
  • The Museum of Dirt Dirt sent in from folks like John Waters (isn’t that redundant?) and – I am NOT making this up – Dave Barry
  • Paedophilia International This one was submitted to me, honest! I did NOT find it with an Alta Vista search! Really!
  • Random Number Generator Funny, I keep getting “666”.
  • The Sand Page Bringing you the latest dirt.
  • Scott’s Kidney Stones Thank you, Scott, for sharing.
  • Walk on Water Page Jesus!
  • Win $1,000,000,000,000! Call me cynical, but I think it’s fixed.
  • Zen and the Art of the WWW What is the sound of one hand slapping a webmaster silly?
  • All Things Greek However, he did not mention frats or…er, other things.
  • The Amazing Pecking Chicken Oh NO! Pretty soon I’m going to have to create “The Uselessness of Java”, aren’t I?
  • The Asylum’s Virtual Dartboard Anything that encourages you to put kisses and hearts on Barney the Dinosaur is useless in MY book!
  • Chia Pet Zoo Something tells me it’s all happening at the zoo…
  • Electro Thermal Dialator Ouch!
  • The Interactive Scroll Lock Page Honoring the most useless key on the keyboard.
  • Knocking on the Web’s Door Proving that Performance Art is as annoying on The Web as it is in Real Life.
  • Most Wired Page I admit, it starts out pretty useful, but completely loses it by the end.
  • Octopi Unite! We better keep track of these folks. They’re rather well armed.
  • The Powder Page Odd. If I put pages up like this on my own, I get flamed by the owner of the pages. But these folks nominated THEMSELVES. Oy.
  • Shakespeare’s use of the word “Spleen”

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part V: The Final Frontier of Uselessness

  • Shot Glass Collection
  • Useless Time Scripts Someone revoke his licence to write CGI scripts, please!
  • Virtual Valnetines (sic) True story: These folks wanted me to plug their site for Valentine’s Day. I thought I’d wait a week or so until it was, well, useless.
  • The White House Summary of the Telecommunications Bill Notice how they seem to have forgotten about this part (click on Title V, kids!). They CERTAINLY seem to have forgotten THIS.
  • Andy’s Day Out  I think the word we’re looking for here is “parole”.
  • The Bubble Page The ultimate in pop culture
  • Every Image Scott has Accessed If you’re going to click on this link, even if you have images turned off, it would still be a good time to take a lunch break.
  • Get David Mentioned in Wired  Nyah nyah! I was mentioned in Wiredand you weren’t!
  • I Am the Greatest  “Put your analyst on danger money, baby.” – Zaphod Beeblebrox
  • Joey’s Bowling Scores  You thought I’d strike with a bad pun, didn’t you? But I’ll spare you, since I have a gutter mouth.
  • Management Concept of the Day  I always wondered what the boss at my old job was up to.
  • Mullet Watch  I took so long in putting this one on the list because I try not to add pages I can’t figure out.
  • Regulate the Internet YOUR way! Yes, you can be Senator Exon in the privacy of your own home!
  • Roadkill Trophies  And people say Western Civilization is declining.
  • The Under Construction Page I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t stand these things.
  • #1 Rangers Fan You’ld think he’d be more of a Cardinals fan.
  • A Beavis Needlepoint Pattern Needlepoint is cool. Heh. Heh-heh.
  • Bill Gates Wealth Clock  Voted most depressing site of the month.
  • Club k4 Either you have a looong wait, or they’re way overdue.
  • Every Book Richard has Read Since 1958 “Thank God for Classics Illustrated!” That’s HIS motto.
  • Every Image Scott has Accessed If you’re going to click on this link, even if you have images turned off, it would still be a good time to take a lunch break.
  • Grout Grout, grout, let it all out…
  • Hello Kitty Tea Party Meanwhile, Keroppi is getting drunk with The Little Star Twins.
  • Hillary’s Hair What’s amazing about all of this is not so much the time this whole thing obviously took, but rather than SOMEONE spent good money getting the “hillaryshair.com” domain name.
  • Infamous Bull Home Page  The key word here is “bull”.
  • Mark and Shelly’s Time Line  Confused about what gender you are? Take this little test to find out!
  • Online Eye Chart The bland leading the bland.
  • The Players Page You’ve got SERIOUS problems if you envy the sex appeal of Fozzie Bear.
  • Tucky and Giao’s Info  OK, Giao’s going out with Mary – but who’s Tucky going out with? We NEED to know!
  • Useless FAQs I’m sorry, but the Mentos FAQ is NOT useless!
  • Where Are You?  How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?
  • You Missed Paul’s Birthday  No, not the Paul of The Useless Pages fame.
  • The Brazos River If you’re wondering why I included this page, start at the bottom of it and work your way up.
  • Butt Guessing Game I could make a crack, but that would be too cheeky.
  • Canonical List of Smurfs Anything with the word “Smurf” on it is a shoe-in to make The Useless Pages.
  • Cool Ways to Kill Yourself This will not be a useless site if whoever invented Frames takes their advice.
  • ELMACO – The society against useful information on the InternetThey’ve certainly come to the right place!
  • The Eyes Page No Bette Davis eyes?
  • Get Your Ass Kicked on the Web OK, No….
  • Hippo Hat The latest in geek fashion
  • MAR/LIN Pillow Radio Page Where in the world is Carmen SanDiego’s Pillow Radio?
  • Metal Lunchbox Page I know people spend thousands of dollars collecting these. Doesn’t make it any less silly.
  • Rejectomatic Why bother? They’re probably getting enough of these in real life.
  • Rubberband Ball “One rubberband won’t keep you up.” – Kate Bush
  • Shrine to the World’s Smallest Image Map The funny part is making it larger wouldn’t make it any less useless.
  • Stupid Useless Kiddie Suckware I can’t read a word of this, but STILL can tell it’s useless!
  • Trademarks Owned by IBM A prize to the first person who correctly sends the lyrics to the “System/3” Hacker Filksong.
  • The Boss Button I wasn’t going to put this one, but then U.S.A. Today, the world’s most useless newspaper, said it was useless, and they would know even better than I!
  • Denver International Airport FAQ It’s useless because they don’t answer THE most frequently asked question: “Why does my luggage look like it just came out of a giant blender?”
  • Gemma’s Pencil Sharpener Collection The hobby is collecing pencil sharpeners. The name is Gemma Dickmann. Obviously, God does NOT like this person.
  • Hitler and Garfunkle  Great title, stupid page.
  • Lane’s Toys and Gifts  Remind me to never, ever use “WEB Wizard Version 1.2”.
  • The Oxygen Society I can just picture their meetings: “All those who feel Oxygen is good, say ‘Aye’!”
  • People with Toasters I thought this was some new band, like Men Without Hats. I was wrong.
  • Picture Patty Likes  And what’s Patty’s favorite sound effect?
  • Random Topic Generator I could discuss happy tire irons in icky plaster statues for hours!
  • A rebuttal to Why I’m Smarter than You.
  • Satan Rules the Entertainment Industry Ah HA! THAT explains the popularity of Paulie Shore!
  • Screaming Floppy Man Page You can do the same thing with Whiteout and a 5 1/4″ floppy taken out of its jacket. Really!
  • Seal Poll No, that’s just frost on my mustache.
  • Stuff in Ollie the Dog’s Feces  What some people won’t do to get on this list…
  • The Squishy Bear Page
  • Texas Big Hair YYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAWW!!!
  • The Value of Glass Doesn’t this sound like one of those films they used to show in elementary school?
  • What if the Web was Run by Phone Companies?  Hey, wait a minute! It’s like that NOW!
  • What is Kevin Reading? What? No camera hooked up showing us what page you’re on?
  • What’s worn under a Scotsman’s Kilt? Ain’t nothin’ worn thar, Lassie! S’all in fine condition, it is!
  • A Blank Page  Sometimes I feel guilty for encouraging this kind of crap.
  • The BS Page It’s not what you think. Too bad.
  • The Car Talk Staff Yeah, I recently listed a page just like this one, but THIS one is from the OFFICIAL Car Talk web site!
  • David Filo’s Birthday I’m not putting this page on to annoy my boss. I’m putting this page on to annoy the guy on the cover of Wired.
  • Digital Planet  Experience the joys of being on the Web without being on the web! But if you’re ON the web, you obviously don’t NEED this, and if you’re NOT on the web, you can’t see this page. It’s things like this that makes me appreciate marketing.
  • The Eve – Madonna Comparison I’ve actually met Eve in person, and I have to agree with this page.
  • Sell your Soul to Satan I already sold mine to Naomi Campbell.
  • Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon and in Shakespeare’s time they used to play “Six Degress of Francis Bacon.”
  • Words Beginning with the Letter A Hey! He left off a couple of key ones!
  • AS17-148-22727 Page Someone once tried this with “under construction” icons but ran out of disk space.
  • American Hydrogen Association Submitted by [email protected], who says “Maybe these people could merge with the Oxygen Society so that the Committee to Ban Dihydrous Monoxide could have somebody to fight.”
  • Center for Duck Studies Why a duck?
  • Complete Online Service I’d hate to see an INCOMPLETE online service!
  • Corey Haim Fanzine
  • Cyborg’s Neosphere Read the “Terms of Agreement”! Um, Cyborg – don’t quit your day job!
  • The Dog Poo Page Why yes, I have noticed I’ve been getting many more scatological pages ever since the CDA passed.
  • A Dog Singing Happy Birthday  No, it’s not Alanis Morissette
  • Email Addresses of the Dead and Famous  Wait a minute! You’re saying Elvis is DEAD?
  • The Exploding Mac Page  People who took the Bomb icon a little too literally
  • Free Warez Real crackers don’t use AOL.
  • Get Your Pope Card Hey, if it worked for L. Ron Hubbard…
  • How to Succeed at Reading Without Even Trying I think it belongs here – I didn’t bother to read it.
  • Hyper Media  Their motto, “You are what you are perceived to be”, is certainly true! And they’re perceived to be idiots…
  • I Hate Joey Lawrence Page And I’m sure he hates you, too.
  • The Life Computer No, it’s not Conway’s Game of Life. And no, the answer is NOT 42.
  • Luddite Web I was ROTFL with this CYBERHUMOR about the INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY 🙂
  • The Mad Cow Song  No, it’s NOT Courtney Love!
  • The Mighty Slash Maze  Sort of a G-rated version of the late, lamented “oo”.
  • Monkey Typing Shakespeare Someone once said “Give an infinite amount of monkeys desktop publishing software and enventually they’ll produce an issue of Wired.”
  • Sitcom Architect Registry  Here’s the story, of a man named Brady…
  • Things Scarah Thinks are Skanky  I think the name ‘Scarah’ is skanky.

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part VI: The Undiscovered Uselessness

  • All the Games Mario Has Been In I heard Bob Hoskins is going to be in a movie based on “Mario Teaches Typing”.
  • Am I Canadian? If this test was REALLY Canadian, they’d have a French translation!
  • Dead at 21 A TV series so stupid even MTV stopped showing it!
  • Dirty Words I found this page on Yahooligans.
  • Guide to Garbage Digging Obviously this page was made by an ex-journalism major.
  • How to Care for your Pet Cockroach Hmmm… No mention of Raid.
  • IHTFP And this funky place hates you
  • Museum of Bad Art I love these folks! Really!
  • The Nickle Page I’ll buy that for a dollar!
  • No More than Four Don’t get your hopes up – this page has NOTHING to do with Bill Clinton.
  • Society to End Oxygen Abuse Just say N2O!
  • Uncle Tim’s Sloth Hacienda It calls itself “The greatest sloth plantation in the world!” – actually, that would be Congress.
  • Uselossity
  • Xtrabux This is that drunk I see on Mission street with the cardboard sign, “Will make Web pages for food.”
  • AOL Browser Simulator Is there anything more useless than AOL? I think not…
  • Australia Street Guess which one Yahoo Serious lives on!
  • Billowing Clothes I guess it would be kind of fun to walk into a bank dressed like this.
  • Build a Dog Anyone here see the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers?
  • Degree of Confluence Project Sometimes, having a purpose in life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
  • ExpandaFish A tale told by idiots, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
  • Fry’s Application For those of you not in the Bay Area, a Fry’s Clerk is closely related to the sloth, only slightly slower and much less intelligent.
  • Gift Genie Try all the choices!
  • Kickable Things I could say whoever made this page is a real heel with no sole, but I’d just be putting my foot in my mouth.
  • Minmei Shrine The only thing scarier than geeks with hormonal urges is…hmm, I guess there IS nothing scarier!
  • 404 Emulator Now if someone invents a DNS Error emulator, THEN I’ll be impressed.
  • Ask Fatty and Ask Dr. Geek Many pages give bad advice; few as bad as these two.
  • Blue Ribbon Campaign Not to be confused with the EFF Blue Ribbon Campaign. Give these bozos money, and they guarentee they’ll spend it. Thanks. (An extra tip o’ the hat to Mark C. Kirk who discovered fun things on this page if you look at the source code. And you thought the people running this page were sleazebags BEFORE!)
  • Bob the Smiley 🙁
  • British TV Logos of the 70’s A double whammy! The 70’s were useless, and TV is useless. Some would say it’s a TRIPLE whammy.
  • Coffee Tree Plant Insert your own Java pun here.
  • Crate Research and Application Project This is what science is doing nowadays. And you wonder why people believe the Alien Autopsy video.
  • Dave’s List of Words that are Fun to Say He left off “Merv Griffin”!
  • Every Sporting Event Simon Attended in 1990 Sadly, this is the LEAST useless page off his site!
  • Inflammatory Bowel Disease Page OK, so it’s not at all useless – but it’s just so darn fun to say!
  • Litton Computer Services “for internal use only”?
  • Michelle’s Mailbox Page I have to get out more. I thought it was going to be screen shots of Eudora.
  • Moron Counter OK, so we’ve seen these a zillion times before. It still makes me giggle.
  • Ski’s Online Games Excuse me, but aren’t games supposed to be FUN?
  • Steve Ate My Balls It’s official! I am now a Pop Culture Icon!
  • Tardigrade Fan Club Pages like this really bug me.
  • Today’s Weather in Space I can tell you right now: Cold, dark, and vacuous. Sort of like California Governor Pete Wilson.
  • The Pink Page You lack slack, Jack!
  • Punchcard Emulator Bringing you yesterday’s technology today!
  • Smart Underware One’s “cyberpunk” is another’s “fashion victim”
  • Toronto Pinball Machines Wouldn’t ANY Data East machine be considered “unplayable”?
  • U.S. Navy Weapons System Department The sad part is they spent $57,000 to put this page up.
  • The Underarm Page It’s the pits!
  • Virus Quiz I’m not too sure, but I suspect this is the work of a marketing weasle.
  • Voodoo Dolly And you thought the Butthole Surfers only made weird albums!
  • Winking Jesus Page I’ve been told that Jesus loves me. I just didn’t think it was in THAT way!
  • WISH Generator Don’t laugh, that’s how the Internet was created!
  • YMCA Everyone who’s sick of 70’s nostalgia please raise your hand. Thank you.
  • Big Green Button Been there, done that, had to do it again.
  • Bill’s Setup Sit down, Bill.
  • Book of Insect Records Meet the beetles
  • Braille Wizard This could actually be very useful, if they could just figure out how to get little raised bumps on the screen itself.
  • Calendar Services Online Just in case you want to party like it’s 1999
  • CobWeb Site of the Day Formerly here as another source of uselessness, now a useless site itself. I just wanted to point out two things:
    1. And you thought I took awhile between updates, and
    2. Physician, heal thyself!
  • Insult Your Browser I think the ability to see Frames is an insult enough for a Browser.
  • Kamazaki Ninjas “Those darn ninjas! They’re WACKY!” – The Tick
  • Look at My Teeth Must have taken him HOURS to do those graphics!
    Now he has a Lynx Enchanced Page for it, too!
  • Lord of the Rings Rap It’s MC Frodo and Kid Fresh Samwise!
  • Lunchtime Lizard League Oh, I get it! “Pinball Lizard”!
  • The Porche Quiz The only question they left off is “What’s the difference between a Porche and a porcupine?”
  • Bob’s Grandkids Listing them is bad enough; why does he also list their IQs?
  • Concise History of the Internet Next: a history of pages that suck up to sarcastic web sites.
  • Destroyed AOL Disk Wow! Burning an AOL disk will change the color of the jacket and the version number of the software!
  • Dropzone More cutting-edge interactive multimedia from MTV.
  • Find Billy Since Mirsky is on vacation, I have to take up the slack here.
  • Obscure Actor of the Week Month? Year?
  • Poop Bender In case the sarcasm of The Useless Pages is too subtle for you.
  • Rainfall Data in the Santa Cruz Mountains “Dude! It’s like rainin’, dude!” “Awesome, dude! Let’s, like collect this bitchin’ data on, like, the web, dude!” “Radical idea, dude!”
  • Sell your Soul for a Link This is pretty much how Excite works, too.
  • Sliding Puzzle Picture it as “Sliding Puzzle for Dummies”.
  • Society To Remove the Letter P Maybe Freud was right, after all.
  • Super Hero Generator It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a stupid CGI script!
  • Taco Bell Employment Application For you folks in Detroit whos jobs made a Run for the Border.
  • Take the Stupid Test I could get the same result just by asking if you ever spent money to see a Pauly Shore movie.
  • Virtual Snooze Bar “Persistant Cookies” would make a GREAT name for a band.
  • Ways to Make a Cow go Insane And if THAT doesn’t work, you can always get them to try to successfully install and run Shockwave.
  • Yossie’s Handcuff Collection Remind me to not accept any drink this guy offers me.
  • Brenda’s Dating Advice Hey, it worked for Jeffrey Dahmer!
  • Canoeing Society of Jupiter I would have included it even if it mentioned canoeing on Jupiter.
  • Dave’s Web of Lies Almost as many lies on this page as a campaign speech!
  • Fabio of the Month Yet another page about everyone’s favorite male bimbo.
  • Form Letter to Johnny I bet Johnny LOVES Cyber-Promotions.
  • Gallery of Pads They couldn’t start with anything less tasteless, like a gallery of used toilet paper. Nope!
  • Harry’s Internet Disco Strobe Light Party Page I’d make some comment rhyming “enhance” with “dance”, but it’s not worth the effort.
  • Joey Lawrence Makes me Physically Ill Damn! It looks like it’s time for ANOTHER sub-page!
  • Kinuyo’s Fun Fart Page “Fun” being a relative term
  • Make James Earl Jones Speak Simba! Come to the dark side of CNN!
  • Mr. T vs. a Really Big Tree I pity the fool tree that messes with Mr. T!
  • The Royal and Ancient Anti-Gravity Racquetball Club It’s not so much the “Anti Gravity” part that bothers me as much as the “Royal and Ancient” part.
  • Abraham Lincoln Page Hey, YOU can’t copyright him! And besides, that’s “Microsoft President(tm)” now.
  • Cadaeic Cadenza OK, so this belongs on the Pi page. But THIS one is SO staggeringly a waste of time that it HAVE to give it that extra plug!

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part VII: Generations of Uselessness

  • How to use Nose Drops Next, Ollie North demonstrates how to use cocaine.
  • Jack’s Ex Girlfriends These pages always go down within three months, but that doesn’t make them any less useless (or pathetic).
  • Marlboro Home Page See what happens when you agree to let Bob Dole design your page?
  • Miata Plates And you thought 8.3 filenames were bad.
  • Museum of HP Calculators This is the week to tweak geek chic.
  • Online Pregnancy Test The ability to do ultrasounds will be the next Netscape enhancement.
  • Pinball Machines in the Washington, DC Area I’m guessing the most popular machine is Whitewater.
  • Process Improvement and Re-engineering Management Consultants The only thing this page is good for is to play “Count the Buzzwords”
  • Club the Seal I’m pretty sure this is what they had in mind when they invented the Internet.
  • Decimal to Roman Numeral Converter I know what number you’re going to try. It’s LXIX.
  • Empire of Sincross “Higher social status among AOL members”?! I’ll take TWO!
  • Lynx De-enhanced Page Hey! No fair! in the Microsoft-vs.-Netscape wars, I’m rooting for Lynx!
  • Programs to Print Out Lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”I almost declared it “not useless” because I have a soft spot in my heart for Intercal and MUMPS.
  • The Q-Tip Page Now that’s what I call waxing nostalgic.
  • Random Chickens Yes, that would also be a great name for a band.
  • Reboot Simulation Abort, retry, ignore
  • Rod-o-matic YOU tell him he looks like an idiot. I’LL stand back HERE.
  • Shoot the Fly Yet another web site being protested by PETA.
  • Stickman Research Team Picture Survival Research Labs on a VERY low budget.
  • Wedgie Page Kinda makes me nostalgic for high school.
  • Works Well With Others I think they got this from “Popular Mad Science” magazine.
  • The Adventures of Toilet Paper Man Next: Toilet Paper Man vs. Mr. Whipple!
  • Animated Necker Cube Which is an anagram for “Nice, but make ace nerd”.
  • Bad Dog Chronicals The word “bad” is modifying “Chronicals”, NOT “Dog”.
  • Bay Valley Services Living in Silicon Valley, I can assure you this IS typical South Bay service.
  • Bette Midler Elimination Front No, not Bette! Next thing you know, they’ll be after Liza and Barbara!
  • Give Misha Money As soon as someone can figure out a GOOD use for e-cash, let me know, OK?
  • I Own Mars Note how I am not even THINKING of saying something about “owning Uranus”.
  • Send Trent AOL disks I’ve been assured that this is NOT Trent Reznor. The page isn’t any less useless because of this.
  • Testicles of Famous People Better make sure Mr. T doesn’t eat them!
  • Abridged The Dilbert Principal I bet Reader’s Digest are smacking themselves on the head for not thinking of this first!
  • Fred the Voodoo Doll Oh noooo, Mr. Fred!
  • Lenscrafter Eye Test You KNOW someone is going to start using that font on a regular basis!
  • Useless Mailing List How about a useless Usenet group? THAT would be a first!
  • Inter Typewriter MUCH better than those old-fashioned non-interactive typewriters!
  • Intern Lung Sounds Association I can’t wait for the CD!
  • Netscape 4 all Navigator But wait – you need to be RUNNING a Netscape-compatible browser to see this simulation – I’m so confused…
  • Nuke America This would only be a good idea if it also gets rid of the Macarena.
  • Project Scanface There is a fine line between being hip and being an utter dweeb.
  • Ryan and Alex’s Notes Someone give both of ’em a noogie for me, OK?
  • Teds New economic plan: eliminating the deficit by taxing Photoshop abuse.
  • Vampire Test Suddenly I have a strange urge to dress all in black, listen to Dead Can Dance, read Sandman, and see “The Crow” 50 times.
  • Another page in Pig Latin Not original, but STILL not of any use!
  • The Big Question Nope, “42” STILL doesn’t make sense as an answer.
  • Ducks, Ducks, Ducks! What is this, a sequel to Babe?
  • Mark Eats AOL Man bites disk, film at 11:00
  • Save the Adverb Lolly, lolly, lolly, get your adverbs here!
  • Superfos I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that this is their first attempt at HTML.
  • Under Construction I wouldn’t have put this on except that this is the oddest-looking penis I’ve EVER seen!
  • Useless Lists As if the one you’re reading right now isn’t.
  • Tent of Doom I guess you need a camouflaged tent if you’re going to be a professional Internet explorer.
  • A Useless Page I bet search engines LOVE this page!
  • T Couch Home Page Sofa, so good.
  • Golden Triangle Gravity Forecast Is this what they mean by “specific gravity”?
  • The Great Pumpkin Drop Hey! Check out the new Smashing Pumpkins videos!
  • Random Nietzsche Aphorisms If you link to the abyss, the abyss links back to you.
  • Rhode Island Trivia Test I don’t get it. What’s my score?
  • The Rumor Mill This is MUCH better than The Spot!
  • Bad Wildlife Photography Ansel Adams has nothing to fear competition-wise.
  • Blinky Bill Makes Elmo of Sesame Street look like Hannibal Lechter by comparison.
  • Carl Sagan’s Jacket R.I.P. Dr. Billyuns-and-billyuns
  • Cyberbra Hey! Watch where you put that LED!
  • The Golf Channel I’m not so shocked that there’s a web page for it as I am for the fact that there’s a Golf Channel in the first place!
  • Maycorner Personality Test The sad part about it is I’ve seen less accurate ones.
  • The Meaning of Life You mean it’s NOT like a box of chocolates?
  • Rabbit Dude And this is how Pixar got its start.
  • a Big Magnet And computers for a half-mile radius couldn’t work for a WEEK.
  • The Six Bunny-Wunny Books Although I DID put “The Six Bunny-Wunnies Freak Out” on Paul’s One Book List.
  • Stupid Top-10 Lists I wonder if Letterman knew back then what he’d be starting…
  • The Big Cow Page Come to think about it, what ever happened to ASCII cows?
  • Electronic PSI Test Coming up next: The Spoon-bending Cam
  • Email Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini Funny, three such powerful people, you’d think they’d all have their own seperate email addresses
  • Meta-geek Code Hey, I never meta geek I didn’t like!
  • Neighborhood Namer My neighborhood is already called “Mommymobile Central”
  • Scratch and Sniff Yeah, yeah, this is the oldest joke on the web, but it is a semi-neat twist.
  • Top 100 Guestbooks I wonder what they consider to be the 100 WORST guestbooks!
  • Using Scooby Doo Characters for Role-Playing Games I want to see a level-one Scrappy-doo go up against a level 17 Balrog!
  • Words with every vowel in them Now I know what to say if I ever have a date with Vanna White.
  • Dead End Now that’s MY kind of web site designer!
  • Great Web Translator Go for “Information Reduction!
  • Innocent Inanimate Objects Looks like someone here’s a Penn and Teller fan.
  • Javascript GIF Theatre I was wondering what Stanley Kubrick was up to.
  • The Joe Camel Home Page Public service announcement or gratuitous dick jokes? You decide.
  • Man-eating Doll Isn’t that Karen Black?
  • The Outhouse Tour Good Lord! *choke!*
  • Stupid Lame Dumbass Page With a title like that, you’d expect it to be on Geocities!
  • 555 List I bet he tried calling all these numbers, too.
  • How Many Times Jim Fell Asleep Today’s secret word is “Narcolepsy”.
  • Pete, the Cat that Looks Like Hitler Yeah, I’ve read “Maus”, too.
  • Ross and Marty’s Guide to MSU Fountains Next: a review of their urinals.
  • Stick it to The Man! Now I have a sudden urge to go rent “Superfly”.
  • Useless Industries I wish I had thought of that.
  • Book of Cliches Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Or something like that.
  • The Crack Buying Game I came back from a two-week vacation for THIS?
  • Deja Vu Hey, wait a minute! I’ve SEEN this page!
  • The Jackie Chan Injury Game He’s the world’s most popular actor. And he’s completely NUTS.

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part VIII: Uselessness Contact

  • The Jackie Chan Injury Game He’s the world’s most popular actor. And he’s completely NUTS.
  • Organization for the Advancement of Facial Hair Seeing this page makes me want to shave off my beard.
  • Tic Tac Toe Puts a whole new meaning in the term “playing with yourself”
  • Bathroom Murder Mystery The submitter, who wishes to remain anonymous, says “the mystery being, when does this guy have time to think up this crap?!?”
  • Hands Across the Internet Note the photo of a young Al Franken here.
  • Interactive Bunny Book AKA of Computer Mice and Men
  • Moist Towel Collecting I can’t wait for the Franklin Mint to get in on THIS market!
  • Untuned TV Still it beats anything even remotely connected to anything starring Sinbad.
  • Aluminum Foil Ball Slightly better than an “ate my balls” page.
  • Empty Set Normally I don’t include “minimalist” pages obviously made just to be listed here. But these folks went and even registered a domain name!
  • Play Simon Says Simon says “Make a pointless web page!”
  • Random Jim’s Journal Amazingly enough, it makes just as much sense as a non-random Jim’s Journal cartoon.
  • Boron Nitride I’m thinking of a word that rhymes with “Boron”.
  • Famous Dogs And the World Wide Web is the hydrant
  • I Hate Barney I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you hate Barney.
  • Squirrel Hazing Wow! Something dumber that fratboys!
  • Toasterhead I bet he works for those folks who made “After Dark”.
  • A Thousand Blinking ASCII Butts It would be redundant to make a crack here.
  • Words Danny Doesn’t Like I could care less.
  • Xena and Barbie or, to quote Xena, “Hai-YA! Ya! H’ya!”
  • Dead MUSH characters Best type!
  • Every URL in Suck AKA “15 Minutes of Flame”
  • Geocities Homesteader of the Year Wait a minute! Are you implying there’s a site on Geocities that ISN’T utter crap?
  • Largest M on the Internet Not to mention largest URL.
  • Octothorp Page Go ahead. You’re dying to find out what an Octothorp is, I know it!
  • Prime Reading Material Recent “Geek Site of the Day”. Geek site of the YEAR is more like it.
  • Virtual Blarney Stone It’s nice to see that every culture has some uselessness in it.
  • War On Cotton I wonder what they were smoking when they made this.
  • Adventures of Bob Remember that <P> tag, folks!
  • B’s Hat Nope, I’m not even the least bit impressed.
  • Erotica in Esperanto I wonder why this doesn’t do a thing for me.
  • Flaming Hat I’ve heard of being hot-headed, but this is going too far.
  • 164 Reasons Why This Page is Useless Reason number 165: It’s on Geocities!
  • Are Bears Catholic? Actually, they’re into Trancendental Meditation. Haven’t you ever heard of Yogi Bear?
  • Big Red Lag Monster Page This page takes FOREVER to load!
  • Day to Day Notepad Screen Shot And you thought *I* was bad with updating pages!
  • Lens Cap Photography Next: Photographs by Man Ray Charles
  • Show Me the Knicknack on your Computer With me it’s easy – just go to the Archie McPhee home page!
  • Anger Manager Naturally, I complained about how stupid the site was. It didn’t work.
  • Brian Belovarac Fan Club I’ll join right after someone creates an “alt.fan.useless.pages” newsgroup.
  • Cult of Jimmy Carter Is it religion? Is it politics? Who cares?Engines Searching on the words that REALLY matter.
  • Give Me A Dollar I hope he at least makes back the $100 he spent for the domain.
  • The Simpsons and Smoking Mmmmm… Chemotherapy…
  • Virtual Sysadmin Still, it’s less useless than most real users.
  • Dogcow Order Form Assuming that the Dogcow doesn’t get laid off.
  • Fake Email Addresses for Spambots Hey, Spamford! Choke on THIS!
  • Geocities Songs I’ve been picking on Geocities a lot lately. And with sites like THIS, I’m going to KEEP picking on them.
  • How to Keep and Idiot Busy for Hours Nothing new – except this time it’s in Java!
  • Random Useless Page Damn! I should steal this idea!
  • 8000 Wives Program Believe me, this is NOT a good idea.
  • AOL Mad Libs You have to be an AOL subscriber to play. Now THAT’S useless!
  • Cartoon Over-analyzations Sites like this are the raison d’etre ofThe Useless Pages.
  • Clone Tsi Good idea. You can never have enough losers.
  • I Am A GIF One of the few web pages that is 100% honest.
  • Infomedica I would start a sub-paged “The Uselessness of Penises”, but that could be taken the wrong way.
  • Live Cam of the Oval Office This is NOT the first time “Oval Office” and “useless” were used in the same sentence.
  • The Nice Network Little brother is watching you, too!
  • Oedipus, King of the Road Puts a whole new meaning in the term “Family Car”.
  • People Against Letterboxing Next: People against the wheel, the flush toilet, and real Internet Access Providers.
  • Political Graveyard Hmmm, dead politicians. Hey, this isn’t a useless site at all!
  • Quotes from the Perfect Man If he’s perfect, why do I desire so much to punch him?
  • Some loser from Dallas Does he wear a T-shirt saying “Proud to be a jerk”?
  • U.S. Techno Slams Hey, it’s been a slow week.
  • Virtual Dorm Room They say 1991. But they can’t fool me, it’s really from 1971.
  • Webster Hubble’s Lower Lip Is this the birth of a new “Ate my balls”-type trend?
  • gap-toothed.com I guess ‘letterman.com’ was out of the question.
  • A Page That’s “A page about the letter A”, not “The word ‘page’ preceded by an indefinite article”.
  • Application to be Sarang’s girlfriend I’m still waiting for a reply from mine.
  • The Benson Page It’s the only sitcom they haven’t made a movie based on yet.
  • Companies that have Casual Fridays Everyone where I work wears their Webhippie T-shirts EVERY DAY!
  • Digicrime Bomb Computers are your friends. Computers are your friends.
  • Eastern Illinois University Hall of Fame It’s in a small toolshed out back.
  • Eye of Argon I’m sorry, I STILL can’t read more than two lines without bursting out laughing.
  • Going to Prison? Send a copy to your local congressperson!
  • The Great Toilet Paper Debate We’re using the word “great” here very loosely.
  • Greater Des Moines Chamber of Commerce Although this site was given sunglasses on “Yahoo! Des Moines”
  • Internet Service Center Load this one before you go to bed. When you wake up it will ALMOST be done loading.
  • Jesus of the Week I never knew he was a master of disguises.
  • Kathy Lee Gifford’s Hairdresser And he only makes $2.35 a day!
  • Shirt Collisions Yup, half the people around me are wearingWebhippie T-shirts.
  • The Toilet I bet he’s flushed with pride.
  • Totally Useless Office Skills As opposed to those highly useful office skills such as “putting people on hold for several hours at a time”.
  • Virtual Vomit Get me a bucket!
  • Staring Contest To steal a line from Douglas Adams, the product of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
  • nude.org Yup, Dave’s a bastard, all right.
  • Hire a Hitman Anyone want to chip in for Sanford Wallace?
  • Geocities Webrings This page single-handledly sums up the state of the web, circa 1997.
  • Geotoons Hey, where are the cartoons about lack of original content? Clueless web page “designers”? Thousands of look-alike pages?
  • The Green Page I bet you thought I was going to quote the Muppets here, didn’t you?
  • Gothar and His Dancing Robots Hell is like this.
  • Everything William Owns Shouldn’t “shamelessness” be on this list somewhere?
  • Cracker Wacker I didn’t put this under the food page because after you use it, they’re not food anymore!
  • The Bitch Page A whole site about Leona Helmsley?
  • Application to Date Michael Maybe we should get him and Sarang together.
  • The alt.fan.karl-malden.nose Page I recently retired this page, but a bunch of folks in a certain newsgroup asked me to give these folks some badly-needed publicity. Always happy to oblige!
  • Bobbing Head Dolls Scary site of the week.
  • Clown Shoes I want a pair with the Nike logo!
  • Inflatable Reindeer Puzzle Page Something about this is just plain wrong.
  • The Coldest Water Fountains at Blaine High School Never has the phrase “something in the water” been so appropriate
  • The Joy of Shaving Electrolosys is looking like a pretty good option
  • Mullet It’s a fish! It’s a bad haircut! It’s a fish with a bad haircut!
  • Netscum Whoa! A list of people who hate junk e-mail and spam are “scum”? WHO could say such a thing? And could they haveulterior motives?
  • Save Joe Camel I bet they like “Timmy the Dancing Crack Pipe”, too
  • The Symbol Hey, isn’t that Prince?
  • Temple of Frames I agree with you, but there’s no need for overkill!
  • Toggles and Grommets No relationship to Wallace and Grommet

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part IX: Uselessness Resurrection

  • The Cause C’mon! You KNOW he’s just asking for trouble here! He might as well spam all of Usenet saying, “Hey, can I have trouble?”
  • Cool Site of the Minute Explain to me what those “obvious reasons” are.
  • Hall of Evil Geniuses One day I hope to see my name here.
  • Sugar Packet Collecting If people use the Internet to trade these, would that be considered packet switching?
  • T. Jay Calendar Not all of us folk in the Making Fun of Other Peoples’ Web sites biz are this bitter. On the other hand, not all basketball players are tall.
  • Belly Button Lint If she had her act together, she’d start the Internet Lint Exchange.
  • Big Toe that Predicts Earthquakes I have a finger that predicts when a driver will honk at me.
  • Male Exhibitionist for All Ladies Reaction from women around office: wanton lust – 0; uncontrollable laughter – 12.
  • Missle Base for Sale Email [email protected] for details.
  • National Midget Resistance Look for Cyberpromo to start hosting this as “godhatesmidgets.com” real soon now.
  • The Skillet The best thing to happen to cooking since duct tape. Whatever you do, click on the Hot Dog. Click on the Motor Oil, too! Oh, go ahead, click on them all!
  • The Bambi Killers Remember, kids, it’s just some HTML!
  • Driveways of the Rich and Famous I know, you’ve seen this one already. But you have to admit it IS useless!
  • Every Magazine Madonna’s been on the Cover Of Education Trivia of the Day: Did you know Madonna has been on the cover of People magazine?
  • 5.25″ Disk Sleeve Archive I’m not putting them here laughing at them being obsessed with obsolete technology. I’m putting them here because if they were REALLY cool, they’d collect 8″ floppy disk sleeves!
  • HTML virus Submitted by the owner who was upset I featured another one of these. He should have considered himself lucky.
  • Image Viruses And you thought .sig viruses were bad. I feel very, very guilty about promoting this kind of crap.
  • Matlab Frisbee Shrine It’s a flying disk. Frisbee is a trademark. I feel pedantic today.
  • Stick Figure Death Theatre Eat your heart out, John Woo!
  • Stomp the Chicken I guess it’s better than choking it.
  • Tamagothi Submitted by my co-worker Aaron who says “This time it wants to die!”
  • Worsley Institute of Blu-Tack Not so much “tack” as it is “tacky.”
  • Papa Smurf is a Communist Nah, if he was, he’d be red!
  • People Against HTML Yes, it’s a joke. If it were real, it would not be useless at all.
  • Punky Brewster Backmasking I KNEW she was satanic!
  • Roadkill Purity Test Just how pure IS that roadkill, anyway?
  • Shortee If they sold even one of these, I’m going into fashion design.
  • Why I Hate the Dead I’m sure they’re not to fond of you either, bucko!
  • Norsk H�stfest At first glance, this page about a Scandinavian/American festival does not appear to be useless. But when you look at thecelebrity guest of honor, you have to ask yourself: Is Bill Cosby REALLY Scandinavian?
  • Ode to Play-Doh Dwight Silverman must really hate us or else he’d stop sending us mind-numbing sites like this.
  • Lousy Socks No, this is not a page about the First Cat.
  • Jason’s Fly of the Month Don’t be like me, expecting a page about zippers.
  • Geocities Top 10 Finally! Someone gets at Geocities gets it!
  • Fire Hydrants in NY My dog’s favorite Web site.
  • De aqui no pasar�s Proof that I don’t have to understand a word on a page to realize it’s worthless.
  • The Broken Toilet Page Way to go Tom! Also, this page wins the “Gif89″ of the Week” award. It will win it next week, too.
  • Canadian World Domination Yeah, right. They can’t even hang onto Quebec!
  • The Anti-Ken Site Submitted by my co-worker who’s also named Steve, saying “Now I know why Barbie left him for G.I. Joe in those commercials.”
  • Bill Gates Nude Suddenly I agree with Senator Exon.
  • Convert your IP address to Music Hey! Instant Techno!
  • Fishing with Beavis He said “rod.” Heh. Heh-heh.
  • Gruffy Says Hey, he’s NAKED!
  • Jewhoo Interactive What sort of schmuck would think Sherman is a goyem?
  • Latest minutes of the MITSFS meetings Hint, guys: Consonants help.
  • Little Man T-Shirts Hey, I like computer-based T-shirts as much as the next geek. But there’s NO WAY I’m going to pay three hundred bucks for this!
  • The Missing Link Fake URLs that don’t go anywhere. Big deal – you can get the same thing from any typical Web page!
  • Shrine to Purple Alice Walker is suing this site.
  • Signboard Actually, I did find some parts to be useful.
  • What am I wearing today? This crosses the line from “who cares” to “No, really, I don’t want to know!”
  • Which is the Real Golden Gate Bridge? I guess this is why the folks at Netscape don’t have time to fix bugs.
  • X of the Day It looks like SOMEONE takes thingsa bit too literally.
  • Useless Lure of the Month I think the most useless lure is “MAKE MONEY FAST!!!!”
  • Review of 404’s I dunno. I kinda like the one here at Go2Net
  • Dave’s Browser Poll “Bowser Wars” are old. Let’s have a “Trackball vs. Mouse” war.
  • Confessions of a washme scribbler It’s entirely coincidental that I washed my car the day after I found this site.
  • Phallic Symbol Website This is a family Web site, so I’m not going to make any limp puns here.
  • Our Trip to Clerks Too bad they aren’t devoted fans of ‘Aliens.’
  • American Freedom Fighters The most convincing argument in FAVOR of the Smith Bill I’ve seen!
  • Bad Opinion I’ve gone for weeks now without making a Rush Limbaugh joke, I’m not about to start now.
  • Intercourse News This is not at all what I thought it would be.
  • The Link Exchange Not a bad idea, really, and it just might work – maybe – if just once they’d display a banner that linked to something other than The Link Exchange.
  • People Against HTML and Image Viruses Oh, god, what did I start now?
  • Web Page of Solitude As long as we’re getting Zen here, think: If a tree fell in the woods, would it still get junk email from Cyberpromo?
  • F-16 Serial Numbers Memorize these, there will be a short quiz afterwards.
  • Feels Like Forecast I sure hope they don’t mean “feel” in the literal sense.
  • If you like boys, there’s Turn David On and if you like girls, there’s Nude Raider.
  • National Council of Dull Men Oh, that Glenn Davis! He’s EVERYWHERE!
  • The Simulator Just because something is really neat doesn’t mean it’s not totally useless. Or vice-versa.
  • Bad Fashion Page Mr. Blackwell, eat your heart out!
  • Chicken Hunting: An Introduction Be vewwy vewwy quiet…
  • Drive Thru Barbers Yeah, it’s a parody, but it sounds better than MOST “Business Opportunities” I’ve seen on the Web.
  • Great Moose Debate I hate mooses to pooses!
  • The Kelley Family Now THIS is what I call Family Values!
  • MacLynx Lynx? For the Mac? Does anyone else see the irony here?
  • Nonsensei I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese…
  • Optimized for WebTV Webring That scream of anguish you heard last Thursday was me finding this site.
  • Precious Moments Chapel Contributed by my co-worker Michelle, who says “This confirms that if there is a god, it is not a merciful one.”
  • Skillet 2000 A sequel not as good as the original, but still better than if it were made by Joel Schumacher.
  • Small Wonder The one TV show that they’ll NEVER make a movie about. I hope.
  • Things I Like I like it when sites like this go 404.
  • Tokyo Toilet Page Proof that all over the world, everyone loves toilet humor.
  • Guide to sleeping in airports Now if only someone could tell me which airport (if any) has edible food!
  • I love Deja Gateward Obviously he doesn’t love Deja enough to get the cutting and pasting right.
  • KROQ Has No Web site I consider that a big point in KROQ’s favor!
  • Marketing Tricks OK, we caught you red handed! Now what?
  • The Men Who Like To Keep Women Trapped in a Pit Page And this is the Description to the link to the URL of the Men Who Like To Keep Women Trapped in a Pit Page.
  • Mobile Homes of Mississippi You MIGHT be a redneck if… you make sites like this.
  • Prayer-Treatment Request Form Hey! It works! Cyberpromo got their butts kicked of AGIS!
  • Restricted AOL Screen Names Not to mention [email protected]m
  • Stuff within arm’s reach of Derek I’m glad I’m not on THIS list!
  • TickTock I appreciate the PSA at the end.
  • Trashcans of Disney But how do they deal with trash like “George of the Jungle”?
  • Ugly Lamp contest This site is not suitable for children. Nothing sexual or violent in it, but I don’t want them growing up thinking any of these lamps are acceptable decorations.
  • Wooden Nickels What your average Web site is worth.
  • Dissect a Biologist One part irrationality, one part oversimplification, and three parts way too much free time.
  • Elvis Popularity Page At 3693, that means The Useless Pages is more popular than Ted Koppel!
  • Asphalt Museum Will anyone notice when they knock it down and pave over it?
  • Monte Vista Home for Invisible Boys This is taking “Children shouldn’t be seen” to extremes.
  • Naughty or nice quiz I’m not going to make a cheap Marv Albert joke about it so I can point out that on the same site, the Days Le ft ’til Christmasis definitely NOT useless exactly once a year.

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part X: Starship Uselessness

  • Potato-Lantern Another Halloween, another great site from those wacky folks at Zug.
  • Suicide Poll Insert your own Sanford Wallace joke here, please.
  • Virtual Snipe Hunt I’ve given money to the Save the Snipe people.
  • Viva La Pine Tree A step or two worse than “treehugging.”
  • The Weather Channel’s Music They’d get much better ratings if they used Smashing Pumpkins and Nine Inch Nails.
  • Words made out of Abe’s name in The SimpsonIncluding “Xerox,” “Velcro,” and “Lunch Bucket.”
  • All of Nora’s Babysitters In about 10 or 15 years I expect to see an “All of Nora’s Analysts” page.
  • Carbonite Freezing Chamber Ooh, someone learned the “Emboss” command in Photoshop!
  • Clog Poll Remember, these links I present to you are for entertainment value only – no messing other people’s polls with fake answers!
  • Ella the Cyber Psychic Dog Several million bonus points for the annoying juke box border.
  • Emergency Internet Broadcast System I mostly put this one in to prove that I DO link to Geocities sites.
  • Five Lifestyles of Man Not really that useless, but I haven’t made a Firesign Theater reference in MONTHS.
  • Pictures of Faisal The best example yet of why you should browse the Web with images turned off.
  • Who’s the Bitch? No, it’s not a wacky new sitcom with Delta Burke.
  • Internet World’s Largest Waste of Space Actually, Geocities itself takes that honor.
  • Joseph Enterprises Offical home of the Chia Pet AND the Clapper! Is this a great time to be alive or what?
  • Kitty Litter Page Tastes like chicken!
  • Art Institute of Boston Why is it the folks who supposedly know most about design always make the most butt-ugly pages?
  • www.mofo.com Submitted by my co-worker Parker, who was trolling for funny domain names rather than repairing computers like he was supposed to be doing.
  • What Do Cowboys Do All Day? When you think about it, this is actually much less psychotic than most children’s books.
  • Subjective Quiz I managed to get all the questions wrong.
  • Stuartizer Yet another argument in favor of using Lynx.
  • Spot the Fascist Dictator There’s either a bug on this site, or I’m wrong and Mr. Rogers is NOT a fascist dictator.
  • Spud’s Travels Hey, Spud, if you’re ever in the Bay Area, look me up and I’ll get you a vodka martini.
  • Poot Poot Hey! Someone discovered a good use for Frames!
  • Domains still available Hot damn! I’m registering “Turgid.com”!
  • Cap’n Crunch’s Stupid Statements I know Cap’n Crunch. Cap’n Crunch is a friend of mine. And you are no Cap’n Crunch.
  • Cat Whisker Collecting I’ll trade you two Mittens for one Snowball!
  • Famous Haircuts Odd. They’re neither famous nor are they haircuts.
  • Names for Testes I wouldn’t know, Mr. T ate mine.
  • Random Numbers Click on this just before going to lunch.
  • Starship Titantic: The Novel Mostly harmless.
  • Study of Shoe Sizes What does that make Imelda Marcos? But wait! these folks claim to have done this first, as if that’s something to brag about!
  • World’s Largest Lutefisk This was submitted to go under the food page, but of course Lutefisk is NOT food.
  • Things sold in vending machines I want a vending machine that sells vending machines!
  • Toilets.nyc.com If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere…
  • Search Engine Games I guess they ARE experienced!
  • Operating Systems that Suck I put this here since the Geek Site of the Day is no more.
  • Guess the Computer I am using a VIC-20 just like that right now!
  • I have a piece of Danny Bonaduce I wonder if they ever saw “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”.
  • Get a Date with Cindy Crawford With just a few modifications it will also work on Marv Albert.
  •  ACSI Abuse Violations Quiz time. Finish the sentence – This page proves “Zero” is: A) The number of people kicked off ACSI for spamming. B) The interest ACSI shows in stopping Internet abuse. C) A pretty good description of your average ACSI customer. D) All of the above.
  • Casey’s Head How many times a day do YOU, oh faithful reader of The Useless Pages, use the phrase “Spinning dog head”?
  • Pallava Socks and Incense If you’re selling one, it’s not a good idea to sell the other.
  • Shutups Since we’ve been mentioned in The New Yorker, I thought I should highlight a page of droll, sophisticated cartoons.
  • Sporkitsu Almost as much fun a gymkata!
  • Stupid Hairstyles I may need to start a “Uselessness of Hair” page, if only to justify my lack of it.
  • Worst Quilt in the World I didn’t know Joel Schumacher made quilts!
  • Banner Modem Tester Looks like another banner year…
  • Diary of Mr. Gall’s Class I am NOT picking on second graders here. I am highlighting the fact that I am overjoyed to finally find someone who spells worse than I do.
  • Linux Penguins I would love to see them get in a fight with BSD Demons.
  • One Word Poetry The odd thing is most of the words I can think to describe this aren’t approved by Senator Exon.
  • The Belching Page It’s a gas, gas gas!
  • NOIC *Sigh* When will they learn? For bonus points, you’ll never guess in a million, zillion years who hosts them! ACSI!
  • Nuke of the Week I vote for New Jersey.
  • Vice Grip page I personally know the guy who made this page, so I can guess what he DOES with those vice grips!
  • Virtual Pet Funeral I swore I would not pick something just because of a Shockwave applet – that would be too easy – but this one can be an exception.
  • Worst dressed cartoons Of course I usually dress like Shaggy so I shouldn’t talk.
  • You Are Stupid I know you are but what am I?
  • Starcraft CWAL Archives Is there such a thing as a geek who DOESN’T have too much free time?
  • Shop At Bob’s Ah, proof that commerce on the Internet really works.
  • Rob Liefeld Criticism The unspoken funny part of this is the creator of this page STILL spends money on this crap!
  • Pron four Ewe I’d love to see what “Net Nanny” makes of THIS.
  • Lesbiots I confess, this page got me excited.
  • Diane Witt Home Page For once I’m proud to be follicly-challenged!
  • Books Dave has Read Yeah, I’ve featured pages like this before. And if I see another, I’ll feature it, too.
  • Ate My Balls Screen Saver I’m not sure which is sadder, the fact that someone made this or the fact they actually think they’ll make money with it.
  • Chicks Suck Some people will never get a clue. This guy doesn’t WANT to get a clue.
  • DNA-o-gram Warning! Using this site outside the U.S. is considered a munitions.
  • Potties of Disneyland Are the potties in Cinderella’s Castle a royal flush?
  • Thewology If I weren’t the nice guy I am, I’d call him a cking hole.
  • Works Well Together Puts a whole new meaning to the phrase “lord of the flies.”
  • Useless Site of the Week That’s the trouble with these copycats – no stamina!
  • Send Astrid Money This is the first “send me a buck” pages I’ve been tempted to send money to. Unfortunately, he(?)’s in Brazil, so I’m not going to.
  • My Adventures I think this is a fascinating tale. Of course, I have been drinking heavily.
  • Answers from the Cologne Guy If there’s a site out there more snobby than this one, I’ve yet to see it.
  • Best 404’s This isn’t the first 404 collection I’ve seen, but it’s definately the most serious.
  • Butt On Head I’m just wondering how he can levitate like that!
  • Commons Tray Registry I’ve used this pun before and I’ll use it again without shame: This site – tray chic!
  • Gandalf’s This Page has Moved Hey, I think I’ve seen this somewhere before!
  • Jimbo’s Clean Laundry Pile What kind of loser would put a list of his T-shirts on the Net? Oh, nevermind…
  • Page of Controversy Hey! It’s just like Usenet!
  • Pycckuu Gesundheit.
  • Shiver Me Chickens I put it on the list for the name alone if nothing else.
  • The Belch Page It’s a gas, gas, gas!
  • Official Radiohead Site I’m a fan of Radiohead, but whoever made this site is a creep, is a weirdo…
  • Send a message to dev/null Isn’t he that guy on The Site?
  • That Wacky Millennium Me?�I’m gonna party like it’s 1999.
  • Useless and Unwanted Magical Items I’ll try and work the phrase “Manna from Hell” somewhere here.
  • World’s Strongest Morons Actually it’s not much any more useless than the site it parodies.
  • What Evan Could See on March 19th, 1998.What?� No real time update?
  • Model Horse Photo Show I can see having model horses.� I can see having horse shows.� I can even see having model shows.� But this is where I draw the line!
  • National Pastime Consultants Folks who took “Take me out to the ballgame” a bit too literally.
  • The Nothing Page I do the satire, he does the Satre.
  • Juno Link License I got your rule number four right here, buddy!
  • High-Five You see?� Jock sites are as stupid as geek sites!
  • Alladin’s Lamp This site rubs me the wrong way.
  • Celebrity Decapitation Anyone got a good .gif of Kenneth Starr they can send this guy?

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part XI: Fear And Uselessness In Las Vegas

  • Golden Awards It’s so prestigious, no one’s actually won one yet!
  • 666 in your name Although I’m beginning to think the Number of the Beast is really 404.
  • Send me Email And today’s lesson is:  Be careful what you wish for!
  • Shake it, Martha Stewart! Oh, good!  I was getting tired of the Dancing Baby.
  • Social Security Adminstration Teen Page Yeah, as if any teen will ever see a social security check when they turn 65!  Note:  Just because I’m listing this one doesn’t mean I’ll list all pyramid scams.
  • Welcome to America OK, it’s not at all useless; it’s just so damn great just shut up and pretend it is, OK?
  • How to Succeed at the Office So THAT’S where Monica Lewinsky got her ideas!
  • Inside Mo’s Head Wasn’t that a sitcom on Fox?
  • Science Fiction Cook Book
  • Spanish Road Signs
  • Transformers Fan Fiction Less than meets the eye.
  • We Have Absolutely No Purpose That’s what The Useless Pages is for.
  • Yahoo! Quiz There are probably only a handful of people who know Yahoo! better than I do, and *I* only got 60% right!
  • Adventure Two Almost as good as Highlander Two!
  • Circumcise the Clip-Art Penis I guess this is what they mean by “ignorance is briss.”
  • The Amazing Psychedelic Hippy Freak-out TripAnd they say Timothy Leary’s dead.
  • Cable Tie Fan Page I was going to add this because I thought they said Cable Guy Fan Page, but on second thought this one is useless, too.
  • Empty Web site To really appreciate this site you have to look at the source code.
  • Filled Pause Research Center Um….er….uh…..
  • People who live in Cardboard Boxes …shouldn’t throw…um…whatever.
  • Three kids kicking the crap out of a chair I think this is the future Stanley Kubrick had in mind when he directed A Clockwork Orange.
  • Virtual Raspberry Call it a raspberry, a Bronx cheer, or whatever – it’s just a nice way of saying “fart noise.”
  • WebTV for Dummies It’s safe to assume anyone who actually needs this book doesn’t know how to read.
  • Who would you kill? My God!  They killed Kenny!  The bastards!
  • Boardrush Most of these sites make me ask “Why?”  This one makes me ask “How?”
  • Finger Gym This is the other way us geeks get back at jocks – the first way is when we make fun of them when they take our order at McDonald’s.
  • People Magazine Poll Hey, *I* voted for Hank the Angry, Drunken Dwarf!
  • Spudman I usually don’t pick sites just because they pick an unreadable background, but I couldn’t fit this wonderful site in any other way.
  • Trippy Drive ’91 I’ve driven in Connecticut – having imaginary roads would only improve things.
  • Words you can Write on a Calculator OH HELL!
  • The Black Square Is this what all that fuss in the city of Mecca is about?
  • The End of the Internet Not as in “End of the Internet, film at 11:00,” but as in “Restaurant at the End of the Internet.”
  • Hairfree Great idea!  I hope Fabio sees this site!
  • Virtual Tag A sleazy gimmick for a sleazy service.  Still, it proudly ADMITS it’s stupid.
  • Widest Table in the World Next:  Longest URL in the world.  I won’t hold my breath.
  • Lakewood Croquet Club In a reversal of usual policy, I’m linking to the one sports site that ISN’T useless.
  • Lassie Kills! So THAT’S why Timmy was always falling in that damn well!
  • Marriage Names I used to think things like this and fart joke were funny in 4th grade.  The only difference is now I still think fart jokes are funny.
  • Nude Man Carrot You will never think of a mere carrot as a phallic symbol again.
  • Saddam Hussein Photo Gallery There’s no one I hate more than that evil, meglomaniacal dictator bent on world domination.  But Saddam is ALMOST as bad a Bill Gates.
  • Smut Page This site will put Persian Kitty out of business!
  • Top Ten Glue Tastes When sniffing isn’t good enough.
  • Victor Buono Fan Page Many bonus points for not just stealing from the Internet Movie Database.
  • Ye Olde Dunce Test Someday these questions will be on the S.A.T.
  • Boring Business Systems Ooh, that’s where *I* want to work!
  • Mike’s Sick Palm Tree Or is it simply “Mike’s Sick”?
  • People Sleeping Actually it’s people waiting for these damn graphics to download!
  • The Tiddle Question And you thought abortion or gun control were controversial topics!
  • Ask Stupid Questions in French I was unaware there was any other type of question you could ask in French.
  • E-Swap Cards Does the phrase “Targeted Demographics” mean anything to them?
  • Happy Birthday To You With Internet stocks the way they’re going, I’m investing all my money in these guys the minute they IPO!
  • Liquid Paper Pictures As of this writing, it should be singular.  I just thought I should point that out.
  • What Would You Do if You were Bill? I’d send all my money anonymously to a certain Silicon Valley Webmaster who collects pointless sites for fun.
  • Email Me Yeah, it’s just a spammer collecting addresses, but you have to admire the subtlety!
  • Get Married in Cyberspace Yow!  Martha Stewart just married Emmanuel Lewis!
  • Jesus was Gother than You But he wasn’t gother than some people I know.
  • Rights for Gay Chickens Big Gay Al’s favorite Web site.
  • Silicon Breast Leak Detection Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time…
  • Wife Carrying in Sonkajärvi We at the Useless Pages don’t like to make fun of other cultures.  Except stupid ones like this.
  • Who’s Kathryn Stalking Now? While we’re at it, someone tell Gillian Anderson to stop stalking me. Thank you.
  • Yesman I know people like this.  And they’re as annoying in Real Life.
  • Last Page Damn!  Now I’m out of a job!
  • Lots of Words Page Hey!  I just found the one TLA not used in the computer industry!
  • Calculator in an URL Seriously, this is the most impressive, clever thing I’ve seen in awhile. But since I have a half dozen calculating devices at arm’s length, it’s also completely pointless.
  • Steamroller Wasn’t that a Peter Gabriel song?
  • Stoner Video With a name like that, you’d think they specialize in Cheech and Chong videotapes.
  • The Women Of One might be tempted to call the creator of this site a jerk, but that’s only because he’s a jerk.
  • Things to Do When Bored Isn’t that the whole point of The Useless Pages?
  • Vote for Zeke I’ll wait until he’s officially Dan Quayle’s running mate.
  • Fetzoid Valve A geek a week is all we seek.
  • Mary Hart’s Legs He should be arrested for stalking (hoo-wah!)  – he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on (rimshot).
  • Nerd of the Week The politically correct term is “geek.”
  • Paperweights If he collects Paperweights, why doesn’t he have a Macintosh?
  • Mike’s Hippie House of Flowers Voted “best Web page” by Deadheads everywhere.
  • Eric displays an Emotion Want to bet “extreme horniness” gets the most hits?
  • Corkscrew Page Talk about having a screw loose!
  • Click the President Uh-oh.  Now Kenneth Starr is going to subpoena me for including this link.
  • The Bored Game That wacky Gen-X!
  • Alex’s Wired House What? He doesn’t have his toilet connected to the Net?”
  • Webmastering.com So THAT’S what this Internet thingie is all about!
  • Dream Site C’mon! At least make a realistic-looking error message!
  • Pi: The Comic Book The comic book based on the film based on the number.
  • Bureau of Missing Socks I’d say “sock it to me,” but that would be showing my age.
  • Fameorse The first horse with frequent flier miles!
  • Gender Choices Hey, what’s Michael Jackson supposed to select?
  • Welcome to Geocities This will probably be 404 by the time you see this, but I haven’t picked on Geocities in DAYS.
  • Bag of Tat It’s not as dirty as it sounds.
  • Cat Scan Insert obvious Ted Nugent reference here.
  • Ferrous Testes Not even I’M gonna eat THOSE balls!
  • Inflatable Animal Fetish Page “Whatever floats your boat,” only literally.
  • Poorly-drawn lamp page I dunno. It’s still better artwork than anything I’ve seen from Scott Adams.
  • Rod McKuen Page Everyone’s favorite Vogon!
  • Secret Society for Canadian World Conquest I thought it was the folks at Suck who were obsessed with Canadians.
  • Clock in a URL From the folks who gave you the amazing “Calculator in a URL.”
  • Cork Supply Newsletter I know I shouldn’t pick on trade magazines, but this one has too many opportunities for a dirty joke.
  • Ex-Boyfriend Application I think I found Alanis Morrisett’s home page!
  • Glow in the Dark Page This page only works if your power is on.
  • La Pagina Recursiva I just put this one on so you could practice your Spanish.
  • Museum of Tektronix Oscilloscopes Quiz time: This site was made by a geek – True or False?

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

Part XII: Episode 1 – The Phantom Uselessness

  • Pot-bellied Pig sounds I always wondered what happened to Wilson Phillips.
  • Radio Now You just flick this little chromium switch here…
  • Wallo’s Fake Banner Exchange Only marginally more useless than the Link Exchange.
  • Bible in Pig Latin There’s an obvious joke here, but I have no desire to be struck with lighting.
  • Mouse Madness I keep saying I’m not going to plug this guy’s site any more, but as long as he keeps cranking them out, it is my duty to do so.
  • Random Key-pressing Association I prefer to hit the “Any” key.
  • The surreal-a-tron 8000 Stark Raving Mad libs!
  • Yom Kippur recipes If you’re not Jewish it’s useless. If you ARE Jewish you know WHY it’s useless.
  • Bridget the Head There’s an obvious pun here but this is a family page.
  • Get Steve to Update the Retired Useless Pages Site Number Useless ’cause it’s not gonna work, Bucko!
  • Goldston & Johnson School for Mimes This site just makes me scream in horror.
  • Kasvi’s Comics Bonus points added for no X-men books. More bonus points added for XXX-men books.
  • KY Jelly Instruction Contest I guess that’s the KY2000 problem I’ve been hearing so much about.
  • Macintosh Emulator Think Stupid.
  • Metacrawler Marketplace I’m glad I don’t work for the folks running this! Uh-oh…
  • Phantom Sentence It was a dark and stormy <noun>.
  • Stupid Finnish Ads And none of them feature a chihuahua, either!
  • 10K for a wife I’d make a famous Henny Youngman quote but that would be too easy.
  • Date Carl Steadman Why do you think he calls his site “Suck”?
  • Deconstructing Dick Van Dyke They said “Deconstructing.” Huh-huh.
  • I Love Hanson’s Clothes It’s better than loving them for their talent since they don’t have any.
  • Anti Rolf Homepage This Rolf guy is my new hero!
  • Ask Mr. T I believe there are more Web pages about Mr. T than there are about Gillian Anderson.
  • Cartoon Girls I Wanna Nail What?!? How could he leave off Marge Simpson?!
  • Crackerhead Mood chooser This is cracker soul…
  • Rot-13 Literature Page This would be far more impressive if it was done by hand.
  • Stomp Furby I know I would if I could find one
  • 100 Sitcom Scenarios Stay tuned next week when The Useless Pages goes to London. Or Hawaii.
  • Anti-Internet Page Hey, I can think of 100 reasons to hate the Internet, but none of them are listed on this page.
  • Emergency Information OK, so if there’s an earthquake and I lose my power, I bring up this Web site and… um…
  • Restore the Deleted Expletive This (Expletive Deleted) is really (Expletive Deleted)!
  • Idaho License Plates I really have no comment about this page, I just like saying “Famous Potatoes.”
  • Alan’s Love Corner A friend of mine and I got into an argument about this site. I said Alan is a dweeb, and he said Alan is a loser. We decided that Alan is a dweeb AND a loser.
  • Bloody Stump Web Page I bet he saw Saving Private Ryan 37 times!
  • Purple Dot Undoubtedly a useless page, but not nearly as useless as the intense discussionsurrounding it.
  • Telephone Sex I do NOT want to see their Computer Sex page!
  • Toilet Tea Leaves Toilet humor in its purest form.
  • The Bored Game Soon to replace “Magic: The Gathering” on college campuses everywhere!
  • Eyes The Resident’s favorite site!
  • Hillbilly’s Money Maker The irony here is the pages he’s making fun of are much funnier than his.
  • Iraqi Horoscope I wonder what sign Saddam Hussein is.
  • LottoMars I’m buying 1000 tickets for Monica Lewinsky, but only if she’s forced to stay there.
  • Nonsense Guru As opposed to a guru who DOESN’T spout nonsense?
  • Significant events in the millennium I guess the lesson to be learned here is: Don’t panic!
  • Tacky Postcard Archive This is NOT a useless site – it’s a much-needed warning!
  • The Totally Useless Club Join us! Join us!
  • Ziff Davis’ Top 100 Web Sites Nope, I don’t see any bias here at all!
  • Traffic Cone Preservation Society Putting a whole new definition to the word “Coneheads.”
  • Random Postmodern Essay No more useless than your average postmodern essay.
  • HTML Flags Not a useless end, but definately a useless mean.
  • Electric Pole Shrine I’ve promised not to make any phallic symbol jokes for at least a month.
  • Cult of the Purple Dot This could be the biggest thing since the Dancing Baby.
  • The Toilet Museum I wonder how visitors ask where the restroom is.
  • Lamerize This will save 15-year-old boys everywhere HOURS of work!
  • Hampster Dance ’cause your hampster don’t dance and if it don’t dance, well, it’s no hamspter of mine!
  • Dignity For Sale Oh, look! Another future Microsoft employee!
  • Buy Me Stuff Taking the subtle approach.
  • Doodle Dan Doodle Dan is my new hero. Milkman Dan is also my hero.
  • Sock Monkeys Are the Solution to the Y2K Problem The ironic part is this parody makes a lot more sense than many supposedly serious Y2K sites.
  • Stupid ICQ Forwards Several useless pages in one!
  • Sassy’s Worldwide Dogbite Service This site bites! And that’s a good thing!
  • Mr. John’s Adventures III Mr. John is back and more – um, more something than ever!
  • Horseballs Don’t worry, Mom! This is a G-rated site!
  • All-Nude Stick Figures Actually they’re nude photos of Kate Moss.
  • Bumper Dumper You KNOW people buy these just to drive off while their friends are using them!
  • Cards as Weapons This has the potential to make “Magic: The Gathering” actually interesting.
  • CyberSexchange Three words: John Wayne Bobbit.
  • Dorky Sounds Coming up next: (to be said with lots of reverb) DORK DESKTOP THEMES!
  • DWO I ordinarily reject racist sites, but he’s talking about himself and he seems PROUD of what he’s done.
  • DX Plastic AB Catchiest slogan I’ve ever heard: “We Know Saliva Ejectors!”
  • God’s Smiley Face Always look on the bright side of life…
  • List of All Known Fonts Hey! What about Mac fonts!
  • Quine Page I really miss “Geek Site of the Week.”
  • Y2K Trademark That’s it! I’m trademarking the word “the”!
  • Zummy’s Rock Climbing Equipment I’ll leave the possible Leon Trotsky references to the readers’ imaginations
  • Do you like 2 hump camels? That’s “Camels with two humps,” perv.
  • Eggulator You KNOW someone will do this for real.
  • Feed the Fish Jimmy Hoffa’s favorite game!
  • Got Alice? I wanna see Marilyn Manson made up like…oh, nevermind.
  • Musicians with Skin Conditions Now I don’t have to tell people I’m bald. I can just say I have traction alopecia!
  • NerdWork Oh, look! It’s 1995 all over again.
  • Reverse Text Hint: Input the lyrics to Led Zepplin songs here.
  • Save the Suburbanites Another example of “think globally, act locally.”
  • Secret Contents of a Certain Government Warehouse Your tax dollars at work.
  • Top Secrets Anti-Spam Page I don’t get it. If they’re so anti-spam, how come whenever you call their 800 number they say “Bulk email is the best way to advertise”?
  • Y2K: We Don’t Care Yay! Someone I can relate to!

Steve’s Useless WWW Pages

 

Steve’s last handful of Useless Pages

  • 2000 Alternate Uses for Peanut Butter Wow! They really have 2000+ of ’em!
  • An Essay on Urinals Soon to be a Merchant-Ivory film.
  • Bullwinkle.org Nothing up my sleeve…
  • Capsule.net Yup, that’s a capsule, all right!
  • Cat Scan It’s technology uses like this that make me think about becoming Amish.
  • Dynamic Dick It’s the Dick of the Day, and it’s G-rated to boot!
  • Does Todd Alan Johnson Look like John Travolta? What I want to know is does Andrew “Lloyd” Webber look like Donald Trump!
  • Domain Names with the word “monkey” in themhe calls them “URLs,” but we know the difference, right?
  • Fart Factory I wonder if they’re unionized.
  • Fireduck To quote the Marx Brothers, why a duck?
  • Fun with a Camera Utterly predictable, but still entirely without redeeming value.
  • Furniture Physics For every sofa there is an equal and opposite footstool.
  • The Good Old Days Look, bucko, in MY day it was “A>”
  • How To pronounce “Worcester” Having lived in Boston, I can safely say it IS pronounced “Worm Town.”
  • Is your site lounge ready? Hey, Daddy-o! This is one swingin’ service!
  • Jamming Scissors In Your Crotch Soon to take over Pokemon as “Fad of the Week.”
  • Kill, Kitty, Kill I can’t put my finger on it, but something about this page looks REALLY familiar!
  • Kiss the Virtual Ass I think we all know what’s going to happen here.
  • MAD Morphs Can’t tell the difference with Ted Koppel.
  • North Carolina Poop Counter I’d love to see the Washington, D.C. poop counter!
  • NTCOR OOooooh, I’m so afraid!
  • The Offline Project Just hit reload.
  • Poem to David Cassidy If you think that’s bad, you should see what Tori Amos fans write.
  • The Poncho page Is that a real poncho? I mean, is that a Mexican poncho or is that a Sears poncho?
  • Scott’s Privy Page I can dig it.
  • Smiley Faces of Death I guess stick figures were done to death already.
  • Web Page Demolition Personally I think they look better that way.
  • The X-filer The truth may be out there, but it’s certainly not on THIS site!

JOHN’S RETIRED USELESS WWW PAGES

John’s First Chunk of Retired Pages

  • Siamese Human Knot I’m scared Batman … hold me! Okay, now put your foot behind my back …
  • Fridge Door Magnets Just in time for Christmas …
  • Haiku Generator For all of you haiku fans, and you know who you are …
  • Crack Aficionado The Chesapeake Bay crack was quite delectable.
  • Future Gap Models? #124: Expect a call from Waif-ish Skinhead Monthly soon.
  • Molluscan Pictures All the snail pictures you ever wanted to see! Which, to me, is about four.
  • Random Celebrity Portraits on Black Velvet Now I can feel like trailer trash without even walking into the living room!
  • Annoying Boxes The sad part is that someone took the time to code all this…
  • www.purple.com You get one guess.
  • The Psychic Ability Tester Time to call the Psychic Network and do a little spot checking…
  • Pull my Finger Imagine owning the recording studio that THIS CD was produced in…
  • Project Omni If only there was a Blue Book to judge Web site values…oh wait, that’s us.
  • I Wanna Be Famous And I want a pony.
  • The Dead Mahir Pages Tom refuses to rest until Mahir is dead. Virtually, at least.
  • You Stupid ____ Isn’t anyone who played Dungeons and Dragons automatically exempt from future relationships?
  • Mahir Central More links than you can shake a poorly dressed Turkish man at.
  • Canoe Trip to Jupiter Please bring proper clothes – it gets a tad nippy out there.
  • ReverseSpeech Um, shouldn’t this be located at moc.hceepsesrever.www?
  • Project Omni If only there was a Blue Book to judge Web site values…oh wait, that’s us.
  • Dancing Mahir So you say you’ve already seen Mahir, the current Internet link sweeping the nation? So have we. But I bet you haven’t seen him dance like a hamster!
  • Nonsense Words These took hours to think up? These guys really make me confident about the future of the software industry.
  • Gimmeabuck.com Total hours spent designing content: 100. Total dollar bills received: probably around 4.
  • The PluPErfect Virus FAQ You’ve trusted their anti-virus software for years…now enjoy their sense of humor.
  • Borders Application What? No column for “I just like to walk around sipping everyone’s coffee when they leave for the bathroom?”
  • Ghost Sites Dedicated to preserving pages that should never have been invented in the first place.
  • Butt-Guessing Game I’m happy to admit I didn’t score too highly.
  • Spud’s Travels Why is it that whenever I enter the airport with four sets of eyeballs, I get arrested, yet this Spud guy is allowed to waltz on through?
  • Do I look like a TV Alien? Why again exactly would you WANT to look like that 7-foot-tall man with breasts?
  • The Moving R The sad thing is that I’ve played with Flash movies myself, and this probably took a full day to make.
  • Hell.com I knew it! Hell is java-enabled after all!
  • Non-Dairy Creamer Won’t even spoil in the fires of hell!
  • Shotglass Does he “test out” each glass nightly? You be the judge.
  • Dien Bien Phu Square square square, Dc-3 square SQUARE!
  • Mr. T. vs Everything We helped it all get started, and now there is a comprehensive guide.
  • The Bear Proof Suit Am I the only one reminded of the Transformers here?
  • La Vache Not only is it about cows, it’s also in two languages. Those crazy French-Canadians and their Internet laws…
  • Crackheadz Olga frightens me. I think you’ll be able to figure out which one she is…
  • Dihydrogen Monoxide Be prepared, it could strike at any time.
  • Brother Ellis Here Fido! Here boy! Good dog. MMM. VERY good dog….
  • Christ on your Credit Card Jesus paid for man’s sin…now he tackles your Visa bill!
  • 37 It looks like we’ve spawned a theme here. I call the rights to 32!
  • Chat Photos For those times when that guy on AOL won’t stop messaging you…
  • Home Sweet Missile Silo Honey, did you leave the TV on in level 48 again?
  • Infomercial Reviews Wow, this guy watches them ON PURPOSE…
  • Book of Mormon Action Figures Eat my “Title of Liberty,” G.I. Joe!
  • My Future Girlfriend Don’t laugh, this is exactly how David Copperfield got started.
  • Great Vomit Stories of the 20th Century O.K., raise your hand if you’ve ever vomited on two nuns…
  • Al Gore or the Unibomber? Perhaps the better question is, which one is really a robot?
  • The Acronymonometer Now even my brain-dead Uncle Steve can form a witty-sounding committee.
  • Pulse Checking Device I know my resting beats per minute, but what about my Taco-Eating B.P.M.s?
  • The AOL CD Preservation Guild And I thought MY collection was big…
  • Cocktail Collection I’ve heard that the free drinks in casinos are small, but this is ridiculous!
  • The Harlan Ellison Chatroom Finally, a place for me to express my undying devotion to paleontology…without all the cruel jokes!
  • The Toilet Museum Now with its own domain name AND a morphing picture!
  • Perry & Cathy’s Crappie House <Insert your own childish joke here>
  • Cone Liberation Society
  • Sally.com My guess: a segregated island system.
  • Invisible Films It’s about as exciting as a good cop/bad cop movie where the heros are rivals, but work together to take down a drug lord at the end — usually involving a series of explosions!
  • David Bowie’s Area I heard that they’re both going to sing a duet on his next album.
  • Save the Vegetables Screw the corn, let’s just cook up their founder in a creamy butter sauce!
  • GreedyBastard.com Being a greedy bastard is one thing, but being a LAZY greedy bastard just doesn’t work.
  • Punch the Head Now with realistic sound effects!
  • Y2k mailings That’s it? This guy needs to get on more mailing lists…
  • Dunno.com Now with over 13,450 logged spam emails received!
  • The Dead Useless Pages Hmm…something tells me I should start cleaning these out…but I’m just the new guy!
  • God hates windows
  • Dog Diaper They even have a video demonstration. On behalf of the WWW, No thanks.
  • Presidential Candidate Web sites You mean Perot isn’t running this year? Looks like I’ll need a new running mate, then…
  • Crap Pictures Dropping your camera can now be your ticket to stardom!
  • Bollocks.com Oh yeah? Well, your mom!
  • Lock & Surface Saver Wow! A Day-Glo padlock cover made by Jason Priestley? Sign me up for a dozen!
  • Color Changing Page It’s like, a really slow hallucination!
  • The Bewitched Project Darrin? Darrin, is that you? I-EEEEE!!
  • Bubba’s Archive of Antique Electric Fan SoundsListen closely…that 1929 QuietSpin has a twisted motor belt.
  • Aldo Now I know your secret ID code! (Evil cackling)
  • 75 Years of Band Aid Even more exciting than 100 years of Gauze.
  • Bad Candy I knew it was going to be sour, but I didn’t think it would fracture my jaw like that!
  • The Big Green Button 2 It’s big. It’s green. It’s back with a vengance.
  • Chewbacca Sound Archive If you play the third clip backwards, you get a recipe for a zesty blueberry pie!
  • Comics I Don’t Understand I’m still waiting for him to add a section called ‘Half of the Family Circus comics ever written.’ Oh wait, that belongs on a site for comics that are never FUNNY. My mistake.
  • Gallery of the Absurd What do you mean, there isn’t a section on John Tesh’s musical career?
  • Godzilla Porn Oh yeah, take it all off you big sexy lizard beast!
  • The Groove Chamber It’s like School House Rockfor the Web.
  • Mohave Desert Phone Booth Not to be confused with the Mohave Dessert Phone Booth, which contains a tiny chocolate phone.
  • Ozone solution Let one rip for the children of tomorrow!
  • Perverted Darth Maul cup topper Brace yourself: The American Pie cup toppers are due out next week…
  • Ricky Martin Interactive Postcard You’ve grown sick of him on the radio and on TV…now you can dislike him in cyberspace too!
  • The Star Links Oracle It’s like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon on crack. Who would have thought that you could go from Bruce Willis to Richard Simmons in only two moves?
  • That Dune Guy The author doesn’t realize that his favorite actor is actually several different people.
  • Virtual Star Gazing For those times when you just don’t feel like laying down in the grass.

JOHN’S RETIRED USELESS WWW PAGES

John’s Second Chunk of Retired Pages

  • 88 Lines about 42 Presidents There’s nothing I like better than knowledge in sound-byte format!
  • All Words Like words? Here’s, well, ALL of them.
  • Alternate History “Hey kids, history is just one giant Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book anyway, so why limit yourself with reality?”
  • The Anti-Loser Party Quote: “We’re taking the first step against this negative evolution.”
  • The Amazing Cow Cam “Now with Horses.”
  • asdf.com All I have to say is Qwerty!
  • Babelfish Butcher The useless pages contain the advanced wackiness jump, or so I’m told.
  • Baiting.org Next time you attempt to cyber, just hope you don’t get SexBot 2.0.
  • Beard research “I can’t wait for his ‘Back Hair 2000’ sequel!”
  • The B.O.S.S “Is that a lipstick knife in your colon or are you just happy to see me?”
  • Boxlor If only he had discovered a plastic bag head first…
  • The Bupocam It sounds exciting, but it’s mostly just 19 hours of napping.
  • Capital of the World I’d pick my house, but only because I’d get a big chunk of the taxes.
  • The Cartilage Shoppe Now your joints can taste like chicken!
  • Christians for Andy Kaufman “Email quote: ‘Anybody who likes Andy Kaufman and does not cut down Christianity is already a member!'”
  • The Dead Y2K Pages “Well, THAT certainly didn’t take very long…”
  • Decimal Birthday More presents are always a good idea.
  • Driveways of the Rich and Famous “I see Siegfried & Roy’s gate, but where are the tigers?”
  • Eternal Life Device Eternal life is now available in five languages…how do you say ‘sham’ in French?
  • The Fabulous Monkey Room “Warning: Like some anime cartoons, staring at this may cause epileptic seizures.”
  • Fat Women Dance “Next in the neverending trend…”
  • Fermat’s Last Theorem How do you solve an unsolvable formula? ‘Tweak’ the formula until you like it!
  • Find the Black Dot It’s headache-causing fun!
  • Flash Photography on rides at DisneylandSomeone’s looked into the flash a few too many times…
  • Genetic Centaurism Technically speaking, he’s made a horse with two asses.
  • Garden Hose Safety “Ouch. I think I hurt my spigot.”
  • Futile.com “More worthless Flash animation than you can shake a Magic Egg at!”
  • Gansta Haiku “Warning: Only for the hard-core poets in the audience.”
  • Givenchy “They must have run out of Nchy back in 1998…”
  • The Goat Farmer Not only “The largest circulation goat magazine in the world,” but also “The only professional magazine dedicated to goats only.”
  • Happy Fun Ball is Everywhere Warning: May stick to some types of skin.
  • High Intensity Drug Trafficking Areas Helpful travel trips from the U.S. government
  • The High Five Arm “With a little duct tape, you can give a special salute to the idiot who paid $99 for it.”
  • Hot Dogs Across the Continent “Amazingly enough, it’s not porn.”
  • How to say “No” in 400 languages Did I memorize all 400? Diyl yola!
  • I love Jar Jar See what happens when scanner prices go down?
  • The Imaginary World Wide Web Page A peaceful break from all of those Punch the Monkey – Win $20 banners.
  • Interlac Converter “The official language of the Meaningless Symbols society”
  • It’s All Going to Hell “The first person to explain why Pauly Shore gets movie deals wins a prize.”
  • Jabba Is it just me, or does the original mousetart resemble something other than food?
  • Jerry Falwell kidnapped my daughter Then he traded her to me for a handful of Cheetos.
  • Jesus-izer Check us out, we’re holy.
  • Kate Bush instruments No, seriously…she HAD to make at least a FEW of these up…
  • The Journal of Mundane Behavior “Eh, whatever…”
  • Kitsch Postcards For all of your moped postcard needs.
  • Least Popular Web Sites “I guess they didn’t have room for Janet Reno’s Topless Beach Party.”
  • The Licking Machine You know you’re curious…
  • ManTit.com “I bet NetNanny LOVES this one…”
  • Maricopa County Sheriff’s Communications Posse “With the Communications Posse’s high level of excellence, I certainly hope there is no “Rabid Weasel Prevention Posse” in Maricopa County.”
  • Meaty Cheesy Boys Yes, it’s an advertisement, but kudos to Jack in the Box for doing it.
  • Meet The Maker “As if it were a moment of brilliance…”
  • Mullets Galore Start off a new millennium with a fresh word for your vocabulary.
  • Must Be Destroyed “They’re a little behind…I can think of tons of stuff that could use destroying.”
  • The Negotiator Give him your money, but don’t be an enabler!
  • The Official Porkins Homepage “This dynamite actor’s 15 minutes of fame only lasted 1 minute, 36 seconds.”
  • The Pee-wee Herman Search Engine Just don’t search for ‘court appearances’
  • Prayer-O-Matic “Warning: Allow 6-8 years for God’s reply”
  • The PBS Blast Damage Calculator “Kinda gives a whole new meaning to their ‘Science rules’ catchphrase.”
  • Rate the IDs Look at the bottom one…it’s Jesus!
  • The Retard I wish I had a talking green lizard thing too…
  • Rick Wallace Needs You. “He claims to know exactly how to ‘treat a female,’ but the statistics don’t lie!”
  • Ron the Poet “Not only does he write wacky pseudo-science novels, but songs and poems as well! Check out I’m Bored, it’s pure genius!
  • Rubik’s Cube Solution System When you finish, a little flag pops out that says “Congratulations! You’re a loser!”
  • Screamin’ Jay Hawkins and his 57+ children”Man, the notch in my hair looks JUST like that! Hmm…”
  • Shopping Cart Abuse “Yeah, but that one with the squeaky wheel was just asking for it.”
  • Sillysurvey.com Not very taxing on the mind, but amusing nonetheless.
  • S.W.F.oJ.P.O.F.O.J. Shoulders and necks are also shown.
  • Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About”My advice: Don’t even get her STARTED about that bright red hair…”
  • Thromboid Delta/Meta Megulation Finally! We’ve always needed a cure for…uh, that.
  • The U.F.O. Secret “Why are aliens so evil? Because they’re led by Satan!”
  • The Virtual Mousepad Museum Wow! I can’t wait until they get a real building!
  • Virtual Bubble Wrap Even better than the real thing … it repairs itself!
  • Virtual Frog Finally I can dissect things on airplanes WITHOUT getting arrested!
  • Which card comes next? Once again, I am reminded of that scene from ‘Ghostbusters’…
  • Wal-Mart Receipts Check out Nov. 16, 1999 … he bought TWO ‘hairy scars.’
  • Welcome to America “OK, it’s not at all useless; it’s just so dang great, shut up and pretend it is, OK?”
  • What if JFK Lived? “Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I had three arms. Then I just take a nap instead.”
  • Where’s George? I made a request for a few bills so I could ‘test them out.’
  • Will I see Fido in Heaven? Yes, but due to space limitations only dogs named “Fido” are allowed in.
  • World of Paint Something tells me there are more than 20 colors in the world, but I’m too lazy to check.
  • The Xtreme Blender We all know how bikers love their diet shakes.
  • Yellow Car Index The yellow 2000 Corvette needs a racing stripe!

RETIRED USELESS FOOD WWW PAGES

That is, the LINKS here are old and useless, although, you have to admit, most old food is rather useless, too. As with all of our retired pages, I’m not keeping track if these links work or not, but if you spot a dreaded 404 and tell me, I’ll send you a can of Spam. Well, not really, but you get the idea.

  • The Albuquerque Burrito Review page The Michelin Guide people are not afraid of the competition.
  • The Breakfast Cereal Page and Another
  • Build Your Own Hotdog And they say the do-it-yourself spirit is dead.
  • Burrito Page Explains the psychology of burrito eaters. Really.
  • Candy bar wrapper collection Back by popular(?) demand.
  • Cheesenet Just one of the 500 channels of The Future!
  • The Collard Green Page And for that total White Trash Cuisine experience, also check out hisHam page.
  • The Cornnuts Page Junk food or simply junk? You decide.
  • The Cracker Page Once again, no relationship to the band.
  • The The Donut List (This sort of creativity will finally bring police departments onto the Web)
  • Elvis’ shopping list (A hunka, hunka head cheese. Heh, that’s terrible.)
  • Food Chris has eaten this semester
  • Gary’s collection of BBQ Potato Chips (Gifs of the bags themselves are “on the way,” I hear. Great.)
  • Hi, my name is Alan and I’m a Polo addict (Polo appears to be some UK candy. He doesn’t mean the horse thing. Or the swimming pool thing.)
  • Jack’s Back (Somebody is WAY too into fast food.)
  • Jerome’s Soft Drink Can Collection Uncanny!
  • John’s Beer Drinking Records
  • John’s fruit bowl (Largest collection of fruit stickers on the web.)
  • Mike’s fruit of the day
  • Pictures of cheeses from around the world hot fish oil (After great detail on its orthogonality, Kevin admits as an afterthought “I have never actually tried this recipe.”)
  • The Lard Page Praise the lard!
  • Lunch, today and in the past, in the diets of: ShoRanjitRat, and Several other people
  • The Snapple page (made from the best stuff on the web? No.)
  • Ode to Condiments
  • The Pho Page “Pho” is Vietnamese for “Lutefisk.”
  • Pittsburgh Onion Soup Reviews Some material may be out of date.
  • The Pomology Page Pomology is the study of apples, NOT, as I would have thought, the study of Postmoderism.
  • Sacred Heart of Jesus Lunch Soon to come: Sacred Spleen of Allah’s Dinner.
  • Scientific Tests Performed on Twinkies If you liked the Strawberry Pop-Tart Blowtorch, you’ll lovethis one!
  • The Soda Fountain
  • Squid
  • Steve’s annotated log of ice cream flavors he’s made
  • The Strawberry Facts Page (How do people get this interested in a fruit? How? How?)
  • Strawberry Pop-Tart Blowtorches (Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the toaster.)
  • The Toast Page and another Toast Page which has several links to OTHER toast pages.
  • Tony’s most recently drunk beers (The prices in Hawaii are scandalous.)
  • White Castle Marathon Results Kids, don’t try this at home!
  • Australian Wine Tasting Wasn’t that a Monty Python sketch?
  • The Cranberry Page Includes Cranberry Diseases!
  • Diet Coke Page Personal opinion: “Diet Soda” is an oxymoron.
  • The Dr. Pepper Page (with VRML!) and Another Dr. Pepper Page In good old-fashioned Netscape enhanced HTML.
  • How Much Mountain Dew John Consumes Next, John posts his dental bills.
  • Koichi’s Cup Noodle Page Warning: This page is written in Japanese!
  • Marshmallows as Rubber Stamps
  • Marshmallow Peeps But can you use them as rubber stamps?
  • Multimedia Sushi Page
  • The Pepsi Page You got the wrong one, baby, uh-huh!
  • The Smarties-Cam read the whole story behind this before seeing it.
  • Taco Bell Page Ooh, now THERE’S authentic Mexican food!
  • Viennese Coffee Vocabulary
  • Zima How yuppie-wannabe’s get drunk.
  • Another Pez Page I like the Nichole Simpson Pez dispenser, personally.
  • Austrian McDonald’s Little known fact: Mozart would often eat on his lunch break a Big Mac and a Coke.
  • Ben and Jerry’s Home Page These guys are major deities.
  • The Chocolate Page NOT a useless link! Chocolate IS the Meaning of Life Itself!
  • Cretin Cooking Oh, wait a minute…that’s CRETAN cooking! Nevermind…
  • The Dark Side of Pez They didn’t even MENTION the Charlie Manson Pez dispenser.
  • Fun with Grapes More cruelty to food in the name of “Science.”
  • Insect Recipes Mmm, MMM! Chocolate Chirpie Chip Cookies (with real crickets)! Them’s good eatin’s!
  • The Jelly Donut Page “I am a jelly donut.” – John F. Kennedy
  • A Jolt Page and Another Jolt Page are impressive enough, but not as impressive as a page run by The Jolt Corporation itself!
  • Sad Mr. Wu’s Send-a-Pickle I’d be sad, too, if that was MY business!
  • Another Candy Bar Wrapper collection
  • The BBQ Research Page
  • The Best Cheeseburgers in the World They lost all credibility when they mentioned an airport…
  • Biomedical Engineering Society donut prices I’m sorry, but I REFUSE to buy food from something called “The Biomedical Engineering Society!”
  • The Broccoli Page and Another Broccoli PageSubmitted by [email protected]
  • Chewed Straw Reviews There were some things we were not meant to know!
  • Confessions of a Blue M&M
  • The French Fry Page This spud’s for you!
  • I Hate Mayo Club These people need to be reported to the Mayo Clinic FAST!
  • Mentos The freshmaker!
  • The Mentos Gallery Fine art – fresh art!
  • The Pez Museum The FIRST museum on the Web worth visiting!
  • The Pez Page Not a museum, no evil Pez.
  • Snack Time Recipes
  • Wendys Page
  • Bottles on Eek’s TV “What’s on the telly?” “Looks like a Jolt bottle.”
  • Bring Back Yellow Moons I’d just be happy if they brought back Quisp.
  • Burger King Club Page Have it your way…
  • Drinka Drinka Pukea Pukea
  • Dr. Lightfoot’s Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Page This page is Grrrrrrreat!
  • Fertnel Cheese Snack Co. “Next time you think, think FERTNEL!”
  • Fruitopia What happens when hippies go to work for Madison Avenue.
  • The Garlic Page It will take your breath away!
  • General Tso’s Chicken – a Comparative Price Study This is exactly how Consumer Reports got its start.
  • Little Debbie Snack Cakes Shameful secret: I lust after Little Debbie.
  • Mountain Dew Also known as radioactive goat urine.
  • The Official Sandwich Home Page OK, so I’m a ham who loves this kind of baloney; I should make a rye remark, but I’m loafing.
  • Pickle Reviews Note the subtle product placement.
  • Potato of the Month Club I will NOT make a Dan Quayle reference.
  • The Produce List Everything from Acord Squash to Zuchini!
  • The Stale Rancid Cheetos Page Breakfast of champions!
  • Sugar Packet Collection How sweet!
  • Surfin Chili The visual imagery that page title brings up is distrubing.
  • Yoo-Hoo! My favorite drink in the whole, wide world! Really!
  • Anti-Raisin Society How did I find out about this site? I heard it through the grapevine!
  • The Anti-Snapple Page Personally, I support Snapple since they got rid of that obnoxious Snapple Lady.
  • Automatic Coffee Machine Good to the last pixel!
  • Bad Candy Page I thought all bad candy had the word “lo-cal” somewhere in the title
  • Baked Lays Thanks to the CDA, I can’t make a rude pun here.
  • Bands with Food in their names Oh, the agony of categorization! Does this go here or on the musicpage?
  • Belgian Endive Page The official vegetable of the forthcoming “Yahoo! Belgium.”
  • Belgian Fries Sssshh! Don’t tell the French about this!
  • Cabbage Appreciation Society I appreciate cabbage – in the form of greenbacks, please.
  • Citizen’s Rebellion Against Pringles I’m guessing they only made it to retro-fit the acronym.
  • Coffee Cup Page Good to the last drop!
  • Cybersandwich We all live in a yellow submarine sandwich…
  • Disgusting Food They should come to our cafeteria at lunch time to see REAL disgusting “food!”
  • Donuts vs. Bagels And the winner is…Homer Simpson!
  • Frappucino I wouldn’t trust any place that names itself after a Battlestar Galactica character.
  • French Fries Would you like a burger with that?
  • Funny Face I still have nightmares about Goofy Grape to this day.
  • Gallery of Regrettable Food The site itself is not useless. The food it presents is VERY useless.
  • German Surprise Chocolate Cake A cake without saurkraut is like a gas tank without sugar.
  • The Grapefruit Page With the new “Squirt in your eye” plugin!
  • Helly Jelly I think the guy who makes lunch in our cafeteria works here.
  • How to Make Coffee Biscuits Or hockey pucks.
  • Huge List O’ Cheeses Sailing the seas of cheese!
  • I hate 2% Milk Now THAT’S what I call lactose intolerant!
  • I hate Long John Silver’s Note: If anyone can identify where this is given the clues he leaves, please let me know!
  • Illustrated Guide to Crackers Damn! When I first saw the title, I thought it would be about Monster Truck drivers!
  • Ken’s A&W Rootbeer Mugs A&W! Yes! Why is there so much crap rootbeer nowadays (Dads, Mug, etc.)?
  • The Kraft Dinner Page The ultimate college student food.
  • Kraft Official Page The cheeziest page I’ve come across yet!
  • Mars Bars Wrappers Hey! It’s virtual litter!
  • Mary Jo’s Peepy Fun Page Sure, there are tons of Peep pages out there, but few as demented as this.
  • McQuiz Not a useless page itself, but it DOES highlight some of the most useless people on the planet – McDonalds Ad Executives.
  • Mike’s Canned Meat Collection Spam is just the beginning!
  • Monday Night Fruit Race “The grapefruit is winning.” – Tori Amos
  • Mystery Meat Open the door for your mystery meat! (Oh, the images THAT brings to mind!)
  • Official Snickers Page! This Web sight satisfies you!
  • Olestra Haiku Talk about a running gag!
  • The Peachoid Mooooon River…
  • Pickles as a Source of Light Get your UL-approved dill today!
  • Tootsie Roll Tips It’s the Martha Stewart of Tootsie Rolls!

Retired useless Wacko pages

These are pages done by people – well, let’s just say they’re the sort of people who you don’t want them to sit next to you on the bus but inevitably they do, anyway. Anyway, these are some of the older wacko pages we have (the PAGES are old, not the folks who run them – although as often as not they are old wackos, too!)

As with all of our retired pages, I’m not keeping track if these links work or not. But given the nature of THESE pages, I’m surprised ANY of them are still up! You’d think “They” would have taken these pages down already!

  • The 80’s Will Find You Naked In this case, I’m not sure hindsight is a good thing.
  • Another Kook I didn’t know they had an ISDN connection in the Happy Home.
  • The Ardamian Empire As good an argument against using heavy drugs when making your Home Page as any I’ve seen.
  • Arielholics Anonymous People slavishly obsessed with a cartoon character. I would not want to be locked in the same room as them.
  • The Automobile Safety Foundation The only thing this guy should be worrying about when driving is the loose nut behind the wheel.
  • Bend a Spoon On the Internet By everyone’s favorite fraud, Uri Geller!
  • Bible Sex Facts They’re damned – even SAYING the word “sex” to them is a sin!
  • The Book of Niilontia – also in Finnish!
  • Church of Bob No relationship to “Bob”.
  • The Church of Tina Chopps A good example of why they invented the restraining order.
  • Committee to Ban Dihydrogen Oxide I’m trying to keep political bias off of this page, but these people MUST be heard!
  • Confessions of a 41-year-old Virgin From the award-winning folks who brought you “The Loser Living Upstairs”. See? I told you…
  • Cross the Vinyl Head This page gave me nightmares.
  • Cthulhu Hymal I love crafty folks.
  • Cynsa’s list of things people have put up their butts (no comment)
  • Decapitate an Angel At last! The answer to the question “How many pinheads can dance on the head of a angel?”
  • Dream of ET That’s it! I’m installing “Surfwatch!”
  • Ear Candles This is EXACTLY how I proposed to my financee!
  • The Empire of Identidem He misspelled “Idiotium”
  • First Church of Simba Hakuna Matata THIS!
  • First Virtual Cyber-Kabouter And hopefully the last!
  • Freedom of Thought Foundation Sounds more like “Freedom FROM Thought Foundation”.
  • Frog and Chicken Fan Club A-HA! So THAT’S what the Unabomber’s “FC” stands for!
  • The Future Dictator of Earth Hey, it could happen.
  • The Goat Shrine
  • God is a Masturbator This would explain a lot.
  • The Hazards of Staying on the Net For a luddite, he does a pretty good HTML.
  • Heartless’s Holey Haven Check out the “Stupid Penis Tricks”!
  • The Holy Mother visits Boston But even SHE couldn’t anything about the drivers there!
  • How to restore your foreskin Useless to at least 50% of the population
  • How To Tell If Your Head’s About To Blow Up
  • Jelly Donut Antichrist That would be an L.A. Cop, right?
  • Joan VS Microsoft It almost – ALMOST – makes one feel sorry for Bill Gates.
  • Joe’s Paranoid Page Fnord!
  • Last Skeptic of Science Thank God!
  • Linking Spheres Featuring several dimensions of uselessness
  • Linda Schiller I wonder if her business card reads “Professional Wacko”?
  • Meatmation Three cheers for this page! Raw! Raw! Raw!
  • Occult Sites You shouldn’t make fun of other peoples’ beliefs (unless they’re really stupid).
  • oo Perhaps the strangest page on the Web! And that’s saying A LOT!
  • The Piercing Gallery Making a piercing remark would be redundant…
  • Proof of Subgenius Influence at Microsoft Insert your own “Bob” joke here.
  • A Radical New Approach to Enlightenment Beware of anything with the words “Radical New Approach” or “enlightenment” in the title!
  • A Raving Paranoid They’re coming to take me away, ha-ha!
  • Roadkill and Poetry Is this guy desperate for an NEA grant, or what?
  • Robot Wisdom Claiming to understand James Joyce is a pretty good definition of “Wacko”
  • Schwa I have NO idea what this is. But I got one of those damn stickers on the back of my car now.
  • Stupid Undergrounds I think this was written by the same guy who writes those Dr. Bronner’s labels
  • Some Rant about something or other. He’s not crazy! Really! It’s really every other person on the planet who is!
  • Sonja’s Tongue Collection After I saw this page, the cat got mine…
  • A UFO Wacko They’re my favorite!
  • The Unabomber Manifesto He threatened that, unless I put him on The Useless Pages, he would force me to go to a Yanni concert.
  • Vaporizing Irrationality If “Cyberspace” REALLY eliminated irrationality, this page would not exist!
  • Weekly Web News I believe it all!
  • Weekly World News Index The Official Newspapers of Wackos
  • Art Bell ’nuff said.
  • Audrey Hepburn: A Secret Life His sequel to this book is going to be about his dad, Elvis.
  • Balaam’s Ass Speaks They have a name for that kind of thing where I come from.
  • Bordenism In the future, everyone will be worshipped for 15 minutes.
  • Boycott Playboy! Did you know that 87% of all statistics are made up?
  • Christian Family Network reviews a Marilyn Manson Concert Can you say “Target Audience”?
  • Christian Rock Its sites like this that make me think “Footloose” was a documentary.
  • Chuck Shramek He’s a wacko with the blood of other wackos on his hands!
  • Church of Jessica That’s nice. Now please put down the sharp objects.
  • Citizens Against Water Balloon Violence But it’s FUN to have water balloon fights in the server room at work!
  • Clone Jesus Your own personal Jesus…
  • Clonaid Bad idea. I imagine their first customers will be Mike Tyson.
  • Color and Gender Why is it the people who insist on telling us about reality have the flimsiest grasp of it?
  • The Coming of Tan I’m more interested in the Going Away of Tan.
  • The Cosmic Encyclopedia I didn’t want to include any poets here because they’re ALL a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but THIS guy is missing the burger, too!
  • Cosmic Society Didn’t your UFO leave with that last comet?
  • Could I be the Unabomber’s Better Half? Helluva lot easier than being his WORSE half!
  • Drivers Against Daytime Running Lights Next:� Drivers for Banning Seat Belts.
  • A drug-induced Web Page Timothy Leary lives on in this site.
  • Earth Sucks They’re right, you know. That doesn’t make it any less wacko.
  • Entropism Another (yawn) parody religion
  • Eternal Life Device Dick Clark owns one!
  • Face on Mars Absolute proof it was built by Elvis!
  • Fearsome Reign of Lord Moo Well, it scared ME!
  • Fortunes from Freckles I wonder what sort of reading Michael Jackson would get.
  • Founding Fathers Personally, I think Thomas Jefferson would slap the guy who made this page.
  • Fun with School Prayer Groups Bill G. Hmmm….
  • Gordon Watts tells of Threats and Abuses Yes, we ARE out to get your, Gordie!
  • How to Pay for it – Near Death Exposed Personally, I just use my Visa card.
  • I am Not Insane ring It’s not often I get an opportunity to quote Firesign Theatre nowadays.
  • Illuminati Exposed Damn! They figured it out!
  • International Symposium on Dolphin Assisted Therapy I think this is a tie-in to the Flipper movie…
  • Internet Addiction Disorder That’s the whole purpose of The Useless Pages, too – to scare people off the Internet!
  • Jack the Ripper and Lewis Caroll “Off with her head!” shouted the Queen.
  • Jeebus, Lord of Lobsters Lobsters are just giant cockroaches! Really!
  • The Jerry Garcia Assasination And what about that concert he gave at the Grassy Knoll?